When I woke up yesterday feeling achy and like I didn't want to do anything all day, I almost talked myself out of driving the hour to hear Al Fox Carraway speak. I had planned on going a few times before and ended up letting something else seem more important or letting myself be talked out of it. Thankfully the part of me that knew I needed to be there was stronger this time... or maybe I was just quiet enough that I actually listened.
When I walked in to the chapel and watched it fill up with over 1900 people, most being teenagers from the local seminaries, I thought "wow maybe I shouldn't have come. This engagement may be geared for a younger crowd." boy was I wrong!!
As I sat and listened to her tell her story about how she came to join the LDS church, I had so many mixed emotions. I mean this was a journey that I was making myself, not actually joining because I had been a member since I was 8, but becoming active again and actually learning and studying what this religion was all about so I could decide if it was where I needed to be. I listened as she told how she didn't invite anyone to her baptism because she was almost embarrassed. How all of her friends and some family members walked away from her because of the choice she had made.... and that is when the tears started to come. How did she know my exact fears??? That my friends and family would judge my choice and leave or make me choose? And then I heard these words "I chose to follow God" and I knew that the people who truly loved me and were meant to be apart of my journey would never walk away for a choice that I made to better myself and find happiness.
Even before I made the choice to start this journey, the thought had gone through my head several times when someone would talk about the Mormon religion that I had made so many mistakes in my past that there was no way I would ever be accepted and never welcomed in to their world. I knew that my appearance, because of my tattoos, would be judged and it was not something I was willing to deal with. I had felt "not good enough" so many times in my life before that why would I ever want to submit myself to any of that again? Well the funny thing is... the members of the church, people I know and complete strangers, have accepted my choice and treated me better than the non members who have tried so hard to make me "see" how horrible the church and their beliefs are. People who have known me for years who think that "preaching" their churches beliefs and non truths to me is somehow going to make me change my mind, when in reality it has sadly just made me stop sharing my beliefs with them. So when Al talked abut her first experience in Utah and how she was treated... it hit home! I have said many times that Utahan's are so judgmental, not just the LDS faith but the entire state!
When I started meeting with the missionaries back at the end of September, which I never thought would go anywhere, I knew if I was going to be a part of this I was going to have to make some changes... WHAT?! I liked me and my lifestyle! I liked who I was! Was I going to lose a part of my personality because I wanted to follow God? I would have to give up coffee??? My daily motivation and something I not only LOVED but thought I couldn't survive without??? Did I really want to do this?? It meant no more tattoos... and even though I had already told myself I was done, this is something that would limit me "doing what I want, when I want". And yet even though I've struggled with the giving up coffee part, and fallen back in to my craving of it, I know I can do all of these things because of the love an understanding that God has for us when we change our lives for him. How could I not?!?! Why would I ever want to walk away from or deny his love?? And that is when I came upon this....
So as I listened, wiped away tears, and felt that overwhelming feeling of that last bit of hesitation just "click" and be gone, it all made perfect sense to me! No matter who left! No matter how many hard times and tests were thrown my way! No matter what worldly vices I gave up! THIS was where I needed to be! I knew I had found my way home! And that right there brought on more emotion than I was ready for.... I no longer could control the tears rolling out of my eyes, even though I tried REALLY hard because my makeup was spot on last night, and I knew the light that a friend of mine told me he saw within me a few days earlier was shining even brighter!
Do I think this road will be easy? Not even close! I know this battle will be tough but worth it!!! And those that love and understand me... they will never leave my side!
So I have a great big "THANK YOU" to throw out to Al Fox Carraway for being brave and sharing her story! And also to a select few family and friends, that I consider family, for not only supporting and encouraging me so far but for also for never giving up on me even in my most rebellious times!! And now I am going to give it my "REAL TRY" and allow all of these amazing blessing to come in to my life!
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