Things you stop caring about after 40....

I've heard it said several times that 40 is kind of a breaking point where you really start to care less about what other people think or say about you, you realize who you want in your inner circle and who you want banished forever. There have been quite a few points in my life where I thought I was already at this point, but have since realized I'm just barely understanding the true meaning of this at 42.... It's not that you've just become a bitch as you have gotten older but you've lived long enough to be pretty much over all of the games and BS people like to throw your way.


1. Other People's Opinions.... UGH! Other people's opinions especially when they're about you mean nothing once you've realized they just DON'T matter. People can say you only date men with money, you're a party girl, you are cold and have no heart, but by this age you stop allowing other people's opinions, who truly don't know the person you are, to stop dictating your life and because you don't want their cesspool of negativity. And really how happy can THEY be if they feel the need to talk about you...

2. What YOU Can't Control.... There will always be those things in life that you can't control. When you finally realize this and let it go... there's a definite sense of freedom!

3. Trying to Fit In.... There are some people who spend their entire lives trying to fit in with the "perfect" group or what they perceive as the "right" people. When you finally realize that all you need to be is YOU and the "RIGHT" people will be apart of your life, then you find happiness. I like the idea of flying my freak flag and rolling solo!

4. Hanging on to Your Past Mistakes.... We ALL make mistakes, they DO NOT define us, and are merely pieces in our lives that have made us who we are today. They're necessary obstacles and we are practically grateful for them by this time in our lives.

5. Ending Toxic Relationships... Some people are just BAD for us! Some people, even if they are not cognizant of it, are toxic, horrible influences in out lives. And when we realize that removing them is healthy for us, it won't be a loss for sure!

6. Hiding your Blunt Honesty... There are still some instances where we tend to know that we need to "bite our tongue", but letting people who disrespect you, treat you bad, or do things to piss you off... you speak up and tell them what you think. Now I've had this talent for years, but I have noticed a change in it... it's a little more controlled as I have gotten older.

The freedom you start to feel when you stop trying to be the person that everyone else wants or expects you to be is AMAZING! You don't have to be or do what others tell you to be a wonderful person. It's taken me a long time to realize I am never going to be able to make everyone happy so I'll just start making myself the priority when it comes to happiness!

FORGIVENESS....

Every single one of us has been in the position where something has happened or someone has hurt us in the past that we were undeserving of. And there are even times when that person or persons aren't sorry or don't think they did anything wrong... When someone tells you that you hurt them, YOU don't get to decide that you didn't.

Holding on to years of anger and bitterness may hurt the other person, but really it's hurting you the most. It's holding you back from meeting YOUR highest potential. We get caught up in "But they don't deserve it", "They didn't even try to make it right", "They never even said they were sorry", "Look at how many times they did this to me".... We hold on to unforgiveness and we forget that we can't move on to greater things if our hands are full of the past hurts. You can't find freedom if you're focusing on the person that hurt you.

There are many times you will NEVER get the "I"M SORRY" that you rightfully deserve... and trust me I know how much that hurts, but how long are you willing to hold on to the anger and bitterness while the other person goes on with their life?

Forgiveness is a CHOICE not a feeling. You can't wait for the feeling of forgiveness you have to make the conscious choice to free yourself and the other person, and when you begin to forgive it's like you've stepped out from under a squat rack. The freedom of the anger, hurt, and bitterness is taken off of your shoulders and set you free.

I watched this video on forgiveness (posted on this blog) and the part that really stuck out to me was this...

"No one has ever died from a snake bite. It's not the bite that kills, it's the venom. It sneaks into the blood stream and destroys the nervous system, resulting in death. Our life venom is the anger and bitterness from events that have happened and hurt us. It is the bitterness and anger that will be the venom that breaks you down and hold you back from meeting your highest potential."

We have to learn to forgive ourselves also.... it's okay to fail, it's okay to make the wrong choice... but it is not okay to punish ourselves and others. At the end of the day we all need to learn to say "I will try again tomorrow."

Forgive quickly... and forgive often!

FORGIVENESS

Breaking up with YOURSELF

 

 

 

 

If you're anything like me... I am definitely my worst critic. Our inner critic can be brutal, to the point that it leads us away from our goals and dreams, by preying on our insecurities and making us feel horrible. Some call it your "inner-bitch" and others call it "self".

It's easy for us to notice when someone else it treating us this way but do you even realize when you're treating yourself like this?

Whether it's a relationship with your body, a relationship with how you're feeling, what you're doing, your relationship with food, or WHO you are, it's your relationship with YOURSELF. Sometimes the most dysfunctional relationship is the one between your head and your heart.

My brain is busy, excitable, and creative. Most days this doesn't cause a problem, until I start to over think and over analyze. There are days when it's been so distracting that I had had to tell myself "Shana, seriously calm the f*ck down!!". My overactive brain, destroying my inner self, is my worst enemy.

If you never forgave yourself for that thing you did that one time, you've never told yourself "I love you", you won't commit to yourself, you don't want to be seen with yourself out in public, you sabotage yourself, or you respect other peoples opinions of you over your own.... It might be time to BREAKUP with yourself and BE someone new!

So I'm breaking up with myself....

 I'm breaking up with the excuses that have limited my options and turned my mistakes into failures, into something to hide from and to fear.

I'm breaking up with grudges and criticisms. I will no longer bury the past in the present or whine about things that really don't matter. I'm leaving the past in the past.

I'm breaking up with the fear you cower in. Always hiding from myself, continually anxious about unlikely scenarios.

I'm breaking up with the rumors that you spread inside the chambers of my heart. All of the too fat, too dumb or ugly, too unworthy, and never enough. I'm no longer accepting the lies or listening to the putdowns.

It's over! I'm freeing myself from your misery. I'm kicking you out and inviting something much more beautiful into my life. So take the ring, the promises, the photos and LEAVE. I'm inviting peace, happiness, self love, and awareness into my life. I'm inviting ME.

Inside the Person We LET the World See

We all know that one person that everyone thinks is "so strong" and can make it through anything, the ONE who on the outside seems hard and has many walls surrounding them, the ONE that comes across as detached or easily walks away from people and situations, and the ONE many of us don't approach because they look mean or unapproachable, but have you ever wondered what's inside that person you have thought all of these things about? What kind of life they have lived? What they are hiding or holding back from the world to see? Have you ever thought maybe I should get to know this person instead of judging them?

I'm about to let you in on some of the things that until a few days ago I had kept hidden from the ones I love, my friends, and the world. The broken person who right now, and for the last few years, has been at the lowest point of self worth, not feeling worth a shit to anyone, I'm a failure, and at a place where the thought that if I drove off a cliff tomorrow NO ONE would ever even miss me or know that I was gone. I have laughed and gone along with people when they have commented on "how strong" and "self confident" I am, when on the inside all of my broken pieces were screaming out "Where do I belong??" and "Who am I supposed to be??".

I really started to feel myself struggle about 9 months ago when the life I had known for the past 22 years took a huge left turn before I was ready and my son moved back to his hometown and in with my daughter and her boyfriend. I was instantly LOST! Who was I know if my kids didn't need me to raise them anymore? I had defined myself for so long as a mother and that was WHO I was. What was I supposed to do now on my own? WHO was I???

BUT let's go back a little further.... Most people do not know a lot about my childhood. I have kept to myself the mental, emotional, and physical abuse for most of my life. I didn't like to talk about it and even kept it from the people I loved as much as I could. I didn't want it to define me and never wanted it to be an "excuse" for who I was, so I buried it the best I could. I resented my mother for a lot of years and even went to the extent of completely blocking her out of my life for a few years until someone very dear to me told me that I needed to make amends and forgive, because if I didn't I would really regret it and have a very hard time when she passed away.  There are people in my life who do know the history here and don't understand why this has hit me so hard, people who think that I am trying to make her out to be a "saint" when in all reality I'm recognizing that she was a person, someone who had her own life of issues, hurt, and mistakes. So I did... I made a conscious effort to rebuild a relationship and I forgave, but I have always felt that I started too late. I tried to cram so much love and caring in to such a short amount of time, and I had no idea she would leave before I felt I was ready and that I had fixed everything that I needed to.

I have struggled since that day.... and it set my life on a different path, the path in which I had to learn to find ME...

There are going to be quite a few people who don't agree, understand, and even a few that think I'm crazy when they read this next part but honestly I DON'T CARE.... THIS is what I believe and no religion or person can change it.... We all write our own life story before we come to earth, depending on how strong we are, the lessons we need to learn again, and the karma from previous lives we need to fix, we write the path that our life will follow. In this "map" of our life we add separate paths for the different decisions we end up making once we get here and have the free will to choose, and depending on those choices it determines whether or not we learn the lessons and fix the karma. I'm sharing this not because I want people to think I'm "wacko" but because it's what I know is true and I'm at a point in my life where I'm not going to hide what I know and believe.

For many years I have played the tough, I don't care, you can't break me person.... I put up my walls and pushed people out of my life to protect myself from all the hurt that came from letting them in, and being vulnerable. And until recently I hadn't realized that this stemmed from the grief I was going through.... grief from losing my mother, losing myself or the person I had defined myself as, and trying for so many years to be the person everyone else needed me to be.

I'm telling you all of this because there are so many of us that hide the shame, failure, inadequacy, that we feel daily in our lives. The people around us don't understand why we do the things we do, make the choices we make, or why we are so detached from the world. There's a song that I heard today that really made me think, but before you listen and read the lyrics I want you to think about a few things, a few shame points that I have felt, and I know many others have....

"I have to follow the world to fit in"
"I will always be defined by my mistakes"
"I'm nothing special"
"I've always felt inadequate"
"I have to save myself"
"I have to earn love"

A few days ago I was finally able to really let all of this out with a group of people who know me, understand my beliefs, and love me no matter the mistakes I have made in my life. Tears fell from my eyes from the moment I opened my mouth (just like they are as I sit and write this) but they were not all tears of sadness... they were tears that also brought a calmness over me and a breakthrough because I was finally able to recognize, understand, and begin to heal from everything I had been hiding.

Some of you might be asking yourselves WHY I'm sharing this and "airing my dirty laundry" and here is why... You truly never know what someone is going through in their daily lives! Instead of judging someone by the person YOU see on the outside.... remember that they may be only showing you what they want you to see, what they think you will accept, and the person that can't be hurt.

I am now on the journey to find ME.... to truly know who I am, to find where I belong, and to learn to LOVE that person no matter the flaws. I know that there will be some people in my life lost along the way, by their choice because of my beliefs or because they can no longer be with who I am, but I also know that this is how it's meant to be. I have always known that there were very few people that truly "got me" and understood my deep thoughts and need to know. I also know this is journey that will bring me closer to God, and the people who are supposed to be with me in this thing we call life.

Dear Mom In Heaven...

Mothers Day is a difficult day for me, as I'm sure it is for so many others. I think about my mom in heaven every day and still wonder if she's proud of the woman and the mother I have become, if she is happy with the choices I am making or if she really wants to give me the "look" right before she says "SHANA LEE" which I knew meant she disapproved of something that flew out of my mouth or something I had done. Which of course as an adult made me laugh and say "WHAT??" with a sarcastic/innocent smirk on my face.

My relationship with my Mother wasn't perfect, and there were even years when we didn't talk because of both of our stubborn and hard headed ways, but someone told me once that I needed to make peace with her and let go of all of the hard feelings of the past because one day she would be gone and it would devastate me if I didn't.

Shortly after that I made a promise to myself that I would do just that, and I did. My mom lived 3 hours away from me so I couldn't see her regularly, but I made sure we at least had our weekly Tuesday night phone call, if not more. Looking back now I see how much that healed my heart.

My moms health was never the greatest, but she was also stubborn and wouldn't tell me how bad she really was on the phone because "I had way too much going on with kids, work, and all the running I did."

I received a phone call one afternoon in the first week of January 2013 from my moms visiting teacher who checked on her a few times a week. She told me she was getting worse and I needed to come out and make her (yes I said make her) go to the doctor. So that's what I did.... against her will and even though she was so angry with me. We spent the next 5 weeks in the Cardiac ICU at the University of Utah.

I was lucky at the time to have a job that I could stay with her and work from the hospital. Those 5 weeks were some of the hardest days of my life... I spent the days with mom, sometimes talking when she was up to it, but mostly listening at watching. I will never forget the day I heard her talking to someone as I walked in... she had a smile on her face and she was looking up towards the ceiling. When I asked her who she was talking to she said "My momma and Grandma Margaret", her foster mother that even after she and her siblings were move to other homes stayed in her life and ours. I asked what they were telling her and she said "they are waiting for me to come home." As I tried not to instantly break down in tears I knew this was the time I had to tell my mom that it was okay for her to go home and that we would all be okay.... THAT was the hardest conversation I have EVER had to have in my life, and though she cried with me she said "okay, but not yet."

I knew that my mom was never going to be able to go home to her home again, so in the evenings I spent my time going through things and starting to box them up. Even though this was a huge job for me and my siblings I was able to learn so many things about my mother that I have never known, and I cherish that.

One week after my mother was moved to hospice, and the day after my siblings had taken their kids to visit, and I had visited.... I called my mom for our nightly talk, because at this time I had to go back to work for a couple of days before I came out to do the final packing and moving of her home, she told me she was tired and was having a hard time breathing and could I call her back in a half hour... she told me she loved me and hung up as I told her to push her nurses button and I would call them. About 20 minutes later I got "the call" that she was not going to make it and I went in to panic mode. Why was she not waiting for me to get there so I could say goodbye? I had told her I would be there in 2 days and stay the week, why wasn't she waiting for me? Why wasn't she waiting for my siblings to get there so she wasn't alone??

The next few days were quite a blur for me, and I'm thankful for the amazing people I had in my life to help me and my family through. It's been 3 years since she left us and I still catch myself wanting to call her and talk, vent, and just hear the way she could calm me down when I was upset. Happy Mothers Day Mom in Heaven! I hope you are having a wonderful day with the big guy upstairs!! even though I know it didn't make you very happy and you would have said "SHANA LEE" in your very stern way... I have your favorite roses tattooed on my left shoulder closest to my heart in memory and I look at them every single day! And yes every time I think about your reaction... I still get that sarcastic little smirk on my face! Love you Mom!

"Dear Mom In Heaven
I sit here and ponder how very much
I'd like to talk with you today
There are so many things
That we didn't get to say.
I know how much you care for me
And how much I care for you,
And each time that I think of you
I know you'll miss me too.
An angel came and took you by the hand, and said
Your place was ready in Heaven far above...
And you had to leave behind, all those you dearly loved
You had so much to live for, you had so much to do....
It still seems impossible that God was taking you.
And though your life on earth is past, in heaven it starts anew
You'll live for all eternity just as God has promised you.
And though you've walked through Heaven's gate
We are never far apart
For every time I think of you,
You're right here, deep within my heart."
Author unknown

Walk by faith and not by sight...

 

"For we walk by faith, not by sight".... I don't know about you but there are times when I really struggle with this. It's not that I feel my faith is faltering or that I don't KNOW that God is always by my side, but more the not knowing, not questioning, and trying to win the this war on my own is my downfall.

 

However, I am learning that this simple concept can be a much tougher assignment. It requires tremendous courage and strength. You must be able to give up any impression of control of your life that you thought you might have.... where I again struggle.

 

But it is a journey of tremendous blessing and reward. It's an exciting, life- altering, mind boggling journey. It's a journey that allows us to see and experience God, as he was meant to be, in all his fullness and grace. It requires us to go to a place we do not know, one that God will reveal as we walk in obedience. It requires you to have a strong determination to follow Gods plan no matter what life throws at you. It means we don't chase after the same things the world pursues.

 

To walk by faith and not by sight does not mean throwing caution to the wind or throwing your common sense out the window. It means giving Gods word first place in your life. It means listening and obeying. Following the scriptures and changing your behavior to what God commands. THIS is faith in action.

 

Walking by faith can seem scary at times but it's an adventure. Moving past our own limitations to see what God has in store for us, rather than trusting our own understanding or what the world tells us. 

 

There's a song that I have heard hundreds of times, but it never really hit me until the other day when I was struggling to walk by faith. I'm not quite sure why but it seems like every time there is a lesson I need to understand or even a reminder of what I need to be doing I come across a song that speaks right to me and it all just clicks. This was that song just the other day....

 

 

 

The part that really hit me was "Help me to win my endless fears. You've been so faithful for all my years. With one breath you make me new. Your grace covers all I do." I must have listened to this at least 20 times that day, because it was TRUE! How can we not walk by faith and trust in God when HE has been so faithful to us all of our lives??

 

It's not HIS love for us that falters, but our faith in HIM! The only one who is and always will protect, guide, and love us no matter what we have done.

 

So then why do we question? Why do we allow ourselves to struggle when we KNOW he will lead us where we need to be??

 

 

 

 



When did we turn in to a "DROP and SHOP" kind of world??

 

For those of us who are single the dating world can be quite an experience. Relationships don't seem to be taken as serious as they were in the past. It seems that marriage isn't taken as the commitment it was 20 years ago when couples would stick together and work out their problems together to keep the family unit close. Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying that anyone should stay in a marriage or relationship that involves abuse of any sort or if they truly aren't happy, but has our world really come to the point that people just get married because "hey if it doesn't work, we can just get a divorce." WHAT???

 

And then we move in to the world of online dating, where we have basically a dating drive-thru of many sites like POF, EHarmony, OKCupid, Zoosk, Match, ldsplanet, Christiansingles, Elitesingles, and many more! Most of these sites offer "personality testing" to match you with someone more compatible. This testing may not be accurate because people may not present themselves truthfully, they tend to leave things out, and how do you truly get to know someone by sitting behind a computer or on the other end of a phone messaging?

 

These sites offer the access to meet more potential partners, but how many are just endlessly shopping for the perfect partner rather than starting a real satisfying relationship? They offer a different number of ways to get to know a potential date... safe and convenient interaction, without much risk of time and commitment. The downside is that communication through a computer lacks some info that face to face interaction will provide.

 

So let's get real here... online dating is a numbers game, but it appears to be the way a lot of people do things these days. Our society has turned in to a "drop and shop" kind of world! I'm bored. I don't actually want to work at this and fix this problem. Ohhh look something more shiny! And instantly I'm done with you and headed back to the 24 hour Supermarket to find someone new! We have become dispensable! Online dating sites have made it easy to have throw away dates and relationships. The connection you think you have online is not genuine, you don't know their mannerisms, if they have an eye tick, if they like licking your face, or if there is even an attraction to this person, the chemistry that can only be found with face to face interaction.

 

How many people have built what they thought was an amazing emotional relationship online with someone but if and when they do meet face to face there is no physical connection there?? In some cases that is where it ends with people being "ghosted" with complete disregard to their feelings and leaving the potential of causing serious hurt. And then it's back to the ALWAYS open Supermarket of choice to find a new "pick of the day" or "flavor of the week".

 

With the divorce rate as large as it is nowadays the dating pool is very large, but does that mean that choosing quantity over quality is the way to go? I'm not saying that every single man or woman who is on an online dating site is just out looking to see how many women/men they can get, but have you ever noticed that there are quite a few of the same men/women on several different sites? So just in case the shopping at one Supermarket doesn't quite fit their needs they have the others as backup or they shop at all of them. Is it really THAT hard to find someone that we can connect with and want to get to know?? Does online dating making this easier or does it diminish the real substance of meeting someone face to face and feeling that initial spark that tells you "Hey I would really like to get to know you better"??

 

It's almost like dating has turned in to more of a job interview or a business meeting. Send in your resume (padded or real), attach photos because we need to make sure you look the part for this position, and if it all looks good then you may have the opportunity for an interview, that is of course if I'm really who I say I am and not just hiding behind a computer. You will have 45 minutes to impress me, see if you can hold my attention, and then I will decide if you are lucky enough to warrant a second interview or if you will ever hear from me again.

 

And yes I know that people date differently.... and not everyone dating online is after sex or a serial dater, that it does take time to weed out the weirdos, but is it REALLY worth it?

 

Now not all of what I've heard has been bad, there are those that have met their spouses online and are very happy. When I talked to them they said they were very patient and had to weed out a lot of weirdos but they stuck it out and found the "one". And for them I am happy!

 

Whether or not I agree with online dating or not... here are a few tips that the people I talked to mentioned...

 

• If you're interested in someone think about the message you send before you send it. From personal experience when I read a message that says "Hi" and nothing else, I'm deleting it. Don't try to be smooth and instead come across as the "not so smooth operator". Sending a message that says "Damn you're hot little lady. Are you in to muscular men?" is not only not going to get you a response from genuine woman with class but it's also going to be sent around to all of her friends and laughed at for months to come. Don't be the "generic junkie" and send a message to someone you have never talked to that says "Any fun weekend plans?"... Really? Why would a woman you have never interacted with just tell you her plans?
• If someone tells you they are going out of town and will be out of touch often... don't be fooled and think you are the only person they are communicating with.
• A lot of men/women actually categorize and use a scale of which potential date gets what night of the week. Thursdays- 6 1/2 to 7, Fridays- 8 to 9, Saturdays- the PRIME night 9 to 10, and Sunday brunch or coffee- 5 to 7. Most are dating multiple people and if they are truly interested they will hold that prime spot for that person.

 

 

I have already figured out that online dating isn't for me... I tried a few torturous weeks and was blown away by the messages I received from various men. I can't say that all of the messages I received were out of line or completely off the wall but.... MOST of them were.

 

 Maybe I'm different, I still believe that you can find the "right" man by not shopping at the 24 hour Supermarket or a dating site drive-thru. It really depends on what you're looking for and what is truly important to you. Having my phone "ping" every 5 minutes because someone sent me a "flirt", being told I'm beautiful or sexy by someone who has never met me and most likely never will, receiving messages that offend me or ask me to "hook-up"... none of these things interest me. It's hard enough to weed through the men I meet in the real world, and figure out if I'm meeting the "representative" or the true person, I don't have the time or energy to sit behind a computer and wonder if who I'm connecting with is REAL or fabricated. So.... NO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



A Day In My Head....

Have you ever felt misunderstood or to the point that you wish someone could just spend a day inside your head so maybe they would understand you a little better? HA! I had one of those brain overload days yesterday where I could not shut my brain down. I had so many things running through my head, important and completely irrelevant things all at once. Usually when this happens I know I need to take off on my own and recharge my batteries, which to me means shutting everything and everyone out so my brain can just shut down, but this didn't happen yesterday... I needed answers!

I've always known that if my brain was over stimulated it lead to anxiety and grumpiness, but on the other hand when I am bored and my brain isn't being challenged that screams TROUBLE in big flashing lights! So where is the happy medium?? How do I handle both and not be a complete jerk to everyone around me?? How do I make myself socialize in big groups of people without all of the chaos over stimulating my brain and sending me in to an anxious state? I'll tell you but first let's step in to my brain yesterday...

For those of you who have read my blog before you know that I have been on a spiritual journey for the past 9 months trying to find what's right for me! I'm one of "those" who asks a lot of questions and searches for answers. Now don't get me wrong I have strong faith in God and my relationship with him does not falter. I believe in the power of prayer and the answers and blessings that come from them, but I need to know things! My brain needs to know the how, why, and when of things that interest me and that I am putting my heart and soul in to. Well that lead to utter chaos in my brain yesterday...

 

It all started with a conversation about where I was at in my journey and if I was ready to move forward. My response being "Look I'm going to be 100% honest with you and I hope you don't take this wrong... I don't want to screw up! One of the things that is holding me back is what if I make this commitment before I am truly ready and I lose my brain and screw up? I need to be sure that I can commit to this 100% because I have made some really dumb mistakes in my past, and I really don't want to be answering for another enormous screw up". I felt pretty good about my response, but then all of these questions started flowing through my head, not really making me question, but sending complete anxiety to my brain that I needed to know these answers before I could go forward.

 

Questions like... What is sin? Who ultimately decides or is allowed to judge if someone has committed a sin? Do we sometimes allow ourselves to believe that because we haven't "completely" done an act that we have not really sinned? Or is it black and white, and because we have thought it, partially done it, and/or feel it we have committed a sin? And then even more flowed in like.... God does not make mistakes. And I believe a soul does not have a gender, some are more feminine and others more masculine, so being gay is not a choice in my beliefs. This goes against the beliefs of most religions I have ever studied. So how do I commit to one when I don't agree 100% with what their teachings are? Do I let it go because it doesn't really affect me? Do I keep my beliefs and just not agree with that part of their belief system? IS that wrong? Is it considered a sin because I don't agree 100%? And as you can guess my brain is now in "I MUST KNOW MORE" mode.

 

Here is where I struggle.... Like I've said before I have a very strong faith in God, I know he is ultimately the only one who can help, and when we ask he answers our prayers. I trust that he will never lead me astray. There is still this side of me that needs more knowledge. Knowledge is power and I need to know as much as I can before committing to something that affects my entire life. Some think that faith alone is required in all things spiritual. That we are to be guided by the spirit without pure knowledge. Okay I get the whole faith and trust part because I truly trust and believe in my God, but then why did he give us the scriptures and other teachings if we were not supposed to learn more and strengthen our knowledge? What if I come across someone one day who asks me a question that I can't answer because I don't have the knowledge and I could have somehow made a difference or been that person that helped them decide that this is true?

 

Now I'm not questioning the teachings, God himself, or my testimony at all. I just have this need to know more. I am not a sheep and I have never been a follower, but sometimes searching for answers and asking questions makes me feel so alone in this journey. Not alone or without God because I always feel him with me, but alone in this world because at times people react to me differently because I do question, and I don't think a lot of people quite understand how to take that. I'm not questioning their faith or beliefs but wanting more knowledge of the who, whats, and why thing are the way they are. The clarification of how things came to be and why man has changed them sometimes along the way. To go back and learn from the very beginning where it all started and not just from one persons perspective but from many.

 

Does this come from me not always being apart of these beliefs? Or because I have studied and been apart of other religions in the past? Or is it the adversary making me question everything to try and keep me from it?

 

So after a lot of time researching on the internet, reading my scriptures to understand the principles better, and asking a friend a million questions and going back and forth for hours yesterday.... the chaos in my brain was left with this.... You will never know all of the answers now, continue to search and study, continue to ask questions, but most of all PRAY... and through my prayers the chaos in my head doesn't seem so bad this morning. I'm left with the feeling that taking one thing at a time is how I will figure all of this out. I DON'T need all of the answers right now and my brain probably couldn't take them, but as I continue to have faith and search for my answers they will come. And of course keep on praying!