We all know that one person that everyone thinks is "so strong" and can make it through anything, the ONE who on the outside seems hard and has many walls surrounding them, the ONE that comes across as detached or easily walks away from people and situations, and the ONE many of us don't approach because they look mean or unapproachable, but have you ever wondered what's inside that person you have thought all of these things about? What kind of life they have lived? What they are hiding or holding back from the world to see? Have you ever thought maybe I should get to know this person instead of judging them?
I'm about to let you in on some of the things that until a few days ago I had kept hidden from the ones I love, my friends, and the world. The broken person who right now, and for the last few years, has been at the lowest point of self worth, not feeling worth a shit to anyone, I'm a failure, and at a place where the thought that if I drove off a cliff tomorrow NO ONE would ever even miss me or know that I was gone. I have laughed and gone along with people when they have commented on "how strong" and "self confident" I am, when on the inside all of my broken pieces were screaming out "Where do I belong??" and "Who am I supposed to be??".
I really started to feel myself struggle about 9 months ago when the life I had known for the past 22 years took a huge left turn before I was ready and my son moved back to his hometown and in with my daughter and her boyfriend. I was instantly LOST! Who was I know if my kids didn't need me to raise them anymore? I had defined myself for so long as a mother and that was WHO I was. What was I supposed to do now on my own? WHO was I???
BUT let's go back a little further.... Most people do not know a lot about my childhood. I have kept to myself the mental, emotional, and physical abuse for most of my life. I didn't like to talk about it and even kept it from the people I loved as much as I could. I didn't want it to define me and never wanted it to be an "excuse" for who I was, so I buried it the best I could. I resented my mother for a lot of years and even went to the extent of completely blocking her out of my life for a few years until someone very dear to me told me that I needed to make amends and forgive, because if I didn't I would really regret it and have a very hard time when she passed away. There are people in my life who do know the history here and don't understand why this has hit me so hard, people who think that I am trying to make her out to be a "saint" when in all reality I'm recognizing that she was a person, someone who had her own life of issues, hurt, and mistakes. So I did... I made a conscious effort to rebuild a relationship and I forgave, but I have always felt that I started too late. I tried to cram so much love and caring in to such a short amount of time, and I had no idea she would leave before I felt I was ready and that I had fixed everything that I needed to.
I have struggled since that day.... and it set my life on a different path, the path in which I had to learn to find ME...
There are going to be quite a few people who don't agree, understand, and even a few that think I'm crazy when they read this next part but honestly I DON'T CARE.... THIS is what I believe and no religion or person can change it.... We all write our own life story before we come to earth, depending on how strong we are, the lessons we need to learn again, and the karma from previous lives we need to fix, we write the path that our life will follow. In this "map" of our life we add separate paths for the different decisions we end up making once we get here and have the free will to choose, and depending on those choices it determines whether or not we learn the lessons and fix the karma. I'm sharing this not because I want people to think I'm "wacko" but because it's what I know is true and I'm at a point in my life where I'm not going to hide what I know and believe.
For many years I have played the tough, I don't care, you can't break me person.... I put up my walls and pushed people out of my life to protect myself from all the hurt that came from letting them in, and being vulnerable. And until recently I hadn't realized that this stemmed from the grief I was going through.... grief from losing my mother, losing myself or the person I had defined myself as, and trying for so many years to be the person everyone else needed me to be.
I'm telling you all of this because there are so many of us that hide the shame, failure, inadequacy, that we feel daily in our lives. The people around us don't understand why we do the things we do, make the choices we make, or why we are so detached from the world. There's a song that I heard today that really made me think, but before you listen and read the lyrics I want you to think about a few things, a few shame points that I have felt, and I know many others have....
"I have to follow the world to fit in"
"I will always be defined by my mistakes"
"I'm nothing special"
"I've always felt inadequate"
"I have to save myself"
"I have to earn love"
A few days ago I was finally able to really let all of this out with a group of people who know me, understand my beliefs, and love me no matter the mistakes I have made in my life. Tears fell from my eyes from the moment I opened my mouth (just like they are as I sit and write this) but they were not all tears of sadness... they were tears that also brought a calmness over me and a breakthrough because I was finally able to recognize, understand, and begin to heal from everything I had been hiding.
Some of you might be asking yourselves WHY I'm sharing this and "airing my dirty laundry" and here is why... You truly never know what someone is going through in their daily lives! Instead of judging someone by the person YOU see on the outside.... remember that they may be only showing you what they want you to see, what they think you will accept, and the person that can't be hurt.
I am now on the journey to find ME.... to truly know who I am, to find where I belong, and to learn to LOVE that person no matter the flaws. I know that there will be some people in my life lost along the way, by their choice because of my beliefs or because they can no longer be with who I am, but I also know that this is how it's meant to be. I have always known that there were very few people that truly "got me" and understood my deep thoughts and need to know. I also know this is journey that will bring me closer to God, and the people who are supposed to be with me in this thing we call life.
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