Twists and Turns

It's been a while since I've blogged... there have been a few twists and turns, as I like to call them, in my life in the past few months so todays post may jump around a bit so I can get them all out. I've learned that writing down the things that bother me or that I can't seem to get out of my head works as an amazing release, so here goes...

I have been doing a lot of healing over the past two months.... not really in a physical sense but it has helped my physical body. A lot of people don't understand how much damage holding on to hurt, stress, and anger can affect the physical body. For the past few years I have ignored twinges of pain in my chest and issues with my stomach.... I always just pushed through them and told myself it was a part of getting older.... I never claimed to be smart but I'm definitely stubborn.

About two months ago I came home.... home meaning to a family that truly knows my heart and feeds my soul. For months I had been searching for where I belonged in this crazy world and the moment I walked in to their open arms I knew I was where I belonged. You see I had been struggling with my religious beliefs, my self worth, and beating myself up for my past..... and they brought me back to the place my soul had been yearning to be for the last few years... the place where I don't question every "rule" or belief, the place where my soul vibrates on a higher level, the place where my heart feels lighter and people notice a "glow" on my face and in my eyes, the place where my heart has finally began to heal from the past... the place where my soul can grow and be who I really am.

I've caught a lot of slack from people lately over making the decision to back away from organized religion, but the funny part is not one of these people has asked "why" I made the decision or even noticed how much happier I am since. I've heard negative comments about things being easier when there are no rules and nothing really to grasp on to but never asking for a explanation or reason as to why this was the choice for me. I'm not going to go in to full detail here because very few people are open enough to understand the path I've chosen, but here goes... Just because I chose not to be apart of any organized religion doesn't mean I'm doing anything "bad", in fact I feel as though I've become stronger in my relationship with God because I've been working so hard to heal my heart and soul from the hurts I've been holding on to. It doesn't mean I've gone back to my days of dating bad boys and partying... in fact it has made me stronger in my belief that putting those toxins in my body is not something I want to do and I don't need a rule to tell me that. It's shown me that healing myself is what will make me stronger, open my heart back up, and not only heal the important relationships in my life but actually make me want to allow more people in.

I'm not here "bashing" on any organized religion by any means I don't judge people by their beliefs because for one it's not my business and two I love people for who they are and not what they believe. Everyone has to make a choice in their own life of what works for them.

I started having crystal therapy done a few months ago and was told that my heart looked like it was broken in many different pieces that were held together by tape, like every time it was hurt again I would just throw another piece of tape on it to hold those pieces in and hope that it still worked. Hearing what I had felt for so long was an extremely emotional moment for me.... but it was so true.

 I started working on releasing all of those hurts one piece of tape at a time through prayer and meditation, people who truly know me and have spent time with me can see the healing that has been done so far in the glow on my face and in my eyes. Even the people who don't know that I have been working on this have commented on how much happier I seem and I'm back to who I was, where they are confused is I'm not back to where I was but finding my way back to the path where I belong. The path that not only feeds my soul but has healed my heart and mind. The path that has helped me calm my mind without meds for ADD or anxiety... the healthy path.

During this time I also have learned to love myself again. For a while there I was not setting healthy boundaries with people and I was allowing their actions to hurt me and not make myself a priority. Some people think I'm a little harsh when I cut people out of my life and I admit in the past it was cut and dry, you either brought something to the table or you were gone. I've become a little softer but had to find a balance and set some boundaries lately and its been rough. I'm one of those people who cares deeply and even when someone has hurt me they still hold a place in my heart. I've learned recently that I can still care but that I need to set boundaries and make myself a priority and not people who I will never be a priority to.

Some people don't seem to understand that I'm working on me and striving to be a stronger, more vibrant person, who's soul vibrates on a higher level. Meaning I won't allow the negativity in, I have no time for drama and games, and as much as I really don't like being alone (hard to admit for me) I will be alone until I have healed myself and become the person I want to be.... the person I am meant to be, and until I come across that person who accepts me for who I am and wants to help make life better with me and not for me.

So those of you who are continuing this journey with me know that there are going to be ups and downs... we are all going to fall and get back up... but the best part about these twist and turns.... It will be worth it!!

Thw Awakening that Started to Happen Around 40....

 

 

 

There is something magical that seems to start happening around the age of 40... it's like we begin to wake up and look at the world in a new way.

 

For me, my children were rather independent and I had only one left at home, but I realized that even he was ready to venture out a little further than ever before from my rules and ideals. Both were ready to take on and conquer the world..... much like I was at their age.

 

It was shortly after I turned 40 that I began to realize that their was more to life than what I had always known.... piles of laundry, being the taxi, scheduling our lives around baseball games and school events. I had spent my whole adult life trying to give myself to something outside myself. Spending my time and energy on others, trying to prove my existence, and forgetting about myself along the way.... because that's what we're supposed to do, right?

 

So we give. We give more than we realize....

 

And then what seems like all of a sudden, which in my case it was, the piles of dishes diminish. Cooking for myself and a hungry teenage boy turned in to cooking for me. Having to schedule every minute of our week around baseball practice, games, and lessons with trainers turned into not knowing what to do with myself for the 5 hours after work before I went to bed. And you realize that you have been giving to everyone but yourself.

 

That magic day comes when we look around and there are no toys to pick up and you realize with a tear in your eye and sadness in your heart, that you are only responsible for yourself.

 

Now who do I give myself to? What do I do with all of this free time?

 

 

And then I was forced to look inward. I started to wonder what my passions were and what interests I might have. And I took some time for things that I enjoyed during the years when my children were young, but more to escape the craziness of being a single parent than real passions that made my heart sing.

 

I asked myself the question, what do I do now? All of a sudden I can do anything I want to do without worrying about laundry, kids schedules, and making dinner.... and I was perplexed.

 

Who am I? What drives ME? What makes MY heart smile? All of these questions suddenly came flooding through my head over, and over....

 

I was suddenly driven to find these answers. I had these conversations with my friends. I searched for somewhere that I would now belong. I was scared at just how strong this desire to find me had become... and yet I truly had no clue what my passions were. And that was when I started my awakening...

 

At first I referred to this as a crisis and not an awakening. People on the outside acted as if I was in the middle of some sort of mid-life crisis rather than an awakening.

 

A crisis is defined as an unstable or even dangerous situation... and I felt unsteady in a world that I knew so well, a world where I had all of the rules and schedules figured out. And then overnight that all changed... I started experiencing these strange sensations. I became aware and recognized that something was stirring inside of me.... Something real and deep inside of me.

 

I could feel my muscles flexing their muscles. Reaching up and out. Screaming at me to be heard as if I was waking u from a deep sleep I didn't know I had been in. I could feel my desires and passion stretching like they had been asleep or locked away for centuries.

 

I'm not sure if 40 is the age when we finally realize that we are an important part of society, not to leave a mark or belong, but to discover what gifts we as a person have to offer. It's like I found a softer way to let society know that I had something to offer..... ME.

 

I no longer have the feeling to manage schedules, instead I grab my pack and head off on a mountain trail or take a meditation class, not to escape but for the pure enjoyment.

 

Waking up to who we really are.... What is truly important in our life.... and not only recognizing and appreciating what we have....

 

 

 

 

Releasing the Past....

I've always been one to forgive quickly so I didn't have to carry someone else's baggage with me, but until recently I still held on to the incident or incidents because I wanted to make sure I didn't allow them to happen again. I recently learned that holding on to even the thought of these past hurts, abandonments, heart breaks, and labels WAS still holding me back and not allowing my heart to heal fully.

It's like every time something would happen I would just add another piece of tape to hold that broken piece of my heart together with the rest.... but how can your heart even work if it is masked in so many pieces of tape? After so many years of bottling up all of these feelings my heart has to look like a big jumbled mess of tape and broken pieces.

I'm not sure how many of you believe or even understand my beliefs in Crystal therapy, meditation, past life regressions, energy work, and the alignment and healing of your chakras, but it's a path I strayed from for a few years to learn some life lessons, and thankfully I have found my way back.

When you have any kind of energy work done, whether it be crystal therapy or Reiki, you are able to understand and recognize what bottling up and holding on to negative emotions and past hurts can actually do to your body. And even though this isn't something I would usually share, maybe someone will learn or get something out of my experience.

I have been struggling for quite a while now with my self esteem and self worth being at the lowest point it has ever been at... no I never had a thought of hurting myself but did have thoughts that if I were to disappear off a cliff that no one would even notice. I have never been that person... but after a rough couple of years, some really hard life lessons, my life as I knew it changing and having to find WHO I really was as a person and not as a mother, friend, or sister I was derailed.

Right about the time when I realized how bad I was struggling, I was called home, some of you will understand this, others not so much. Everyone has a soul group, and I had drifted away from mine almost 4 years ago... and now I was home. You see, everyone strays from time to time, they take a different path and learn lessons that they as an individual need to learn to complete the path they chose to follow before they came in to this lifetime. As hard as it is there are times when we have to go it alone to really learn or see where we truly want to be.

I knew that I was struggling but I have never been one to truly open up 100% to anyone and tell them everything, I have always bottled it up inside and internalized it... Not good! I was blessed the other day to be able to have crystal therapy done by my sister/friend/family member.... this is a form of alternative spiritual energy therapy and if you haven't ever tried it I truly recommend it. I have NEVER been skeptical of the power of this work, because I have seen it help and I have also been apart of other energy work and healing.

This is where I learned that the holding on to the past hurts, even though I had forgiven the person who had hurt me, was not only damaging my insides but also causing chaos and blocking my chakras. My whole makeup was a mess! During this therapy I laid there and listened to everything I had never told anyone be verbalized.... if you want to talk about emotions going in to overdrive that is exactly what was happening. All of my insecurities that had manifested from something someone had said to me, labels that were thrown at me, heart breaks from people I had loved, and even some from how I took things wrong from how I thought others felt about me. ALL of these hurts just taped and held back in to place so my heart could still semi function.... How was I ever supposed to move on and grow with all of this still sitting inside of me?

And that is when I learned another lesson.... Forgive and Forget. There is no need to hold on to those hurts, if I have truly learned the lesson I was supposed to from those past incidents letting them go and forgetting about them wouldn't make me have to go through them again, but the total opposite! Releasing those past hurts, labels, abandonments, and heart breaks and giving them to God so that I don't have them destroying me or holding me back. How am I going to do all of that? That's a lot of years to just let go of!

Well I've already started the process... through the crystal therapy, meditation, and prayer. I have felt energy working inside my body before, but I have never felt the energy like I did while having this therapy done. And I feel as though the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. The pain in my right shoulder, hips, and lower back is nothing like it has been for the past few months. Moving the stuck energy and learning that releasing all of the past garbage has done wonders for my physical body but also for my soul!

I'm on my way and event though I still have questions and I'm not sure where I will end up... I know that following this spiritual path will definitely get me there.

Dear Miss Independent...

 

 

 

 

"I am not a one in a million kind of girl, but a once in a lifetime kind of woman."~ Unknown

 

Dear Miss Independent... I know your secret.

 

I know you wear your independence as a shield to protect and cover yourself because you have been hurt before and you are used to doing everything on your own.

 

So, just like me, you choose independence and you wear it like sexy black heels and your little black dress on a night out! You've always thought you were choosing this independent life, but in reality you are letting it choose you. The truth is, there is no strength in pretending you can do life all on your own.

 

One day you'll see that you don't have to fight this word to make a point. You can put down your sword and shield and enjoy life. I know how it feels to be disappointed, and left alone too many nights to ponder life, love, and just how you got to this place in life where you are now.

 

You have clung to your independence like a child clings to it's mothers skirt... because this seems to be the one thing in life that you can control... the one thing that won't leave you no matter what! But the truth is Miss Independent... just because you CAN do it all on your own... it doesn't mean you really want to or that you have to.

 

As hard as it is... it's okay to admit that you might need someone every once in while... that while you're comfortable in your independence, with your walls up and protected like Fort Knox, it doesn't mean that you're always happy with it.

 

I'm here to tell you that it's okay to let those walls come down... it's okay to cry, let yourself be moved by life, and let it spill out over those gorgeous lashes and wet your cheeks with the reality of what's really going on deep down inside that beautiful soul of yours. You're no less independent if you cry, if you find yourself at the bottom, unsure how to get back on top again. Never doubt that there is beauty in your tears and in being vulnerable... and letting your fear show.

 

 

 

Never let yourself forget that YOU are beautiful and YOU are amazing! You've held your shit together through the darkest nights and the strongest storms. What you don't understand is that no one, who truly knows you, doubts what you're capable of, but sometimes you have to lay it down and admit that you need more. You are independent, you are strong, but that does not also mean that you aren't vulnerable, that your heart doesn't bleed for the desires of your soul, for that one person who will accept and love you for WHO you are.

 

I know that you truly believe that you are the only one you can count on, because you've been disappointed and let down so many times before.... but it's simply not true. You have to crash those damn walls down. Break apart everything you have built around yourself.... because the truth is Miss Independent, you have got your life together. And even though at times you long for someone to take care of you, just once.... you are successful, you've proven that you can fund your own life, and your own dreams.

 

Giving up a bit of your independence sounds like one of the scariest things you have ever heard... relaxing your reigns on your heart and life... and let someone in who has the possibility of destroying you... but you can keep letting your fears of what could go wrong stop you from dreaming about what could go right. I know that your heart breaks because the past has taught you that there is something wrong with you because you seek more than most just settle for. I know that what is deep down in your soul can barely be explained to others, so it terrifies you when someone comes along and challenges the walls you've built up to protect yourself.

 

I also know that what you fear most is also what matters to you the most. You will always have you eyes on the future and your mind in the present. You will always be striving to be better than you were yesterday.... it's just apart of who you are.

 

You don't need a prince on a white horse to come in and save you... we are not damsels in distress, but inside, we are as fragile as they come, there is nothing more beautiful than a woman who has been broken, but keeps on believing in  love... even if we like to pretend that is not the case.

 

You're not any less independent or strong if you let someone share in the weight of the world. In fact, knowing what you need and not being afraid to go after it is the very declaration of sweet independence. The most beautiful, vulnerable thing you can do Miss Independent... is to let yourself be loved.

 

 





When Your Brain Goes Into Overload...

I'm not sure about you but I'm an over thinker... There's something inside of me that has to know, has to play out different scenarios, and has to have data before I can make a big decision. When I have big decisions to make or something that is weighing on my mind and the world and the people around me add their chaos.... this sends my brain into total OVERLOAD and if I don't find a way to calm it my anxiety hits the roof!

For the past few months I've had a few things weighing on my mind, I have felt like I was lost.... my life was completely changing and it scared the hell out of me! I didn't know where I belonged or who I even was anymore. My life had been defined for so many years and all of a sudden every thing I had held on to was gone.... and I was humbled. I know that sounds weird to some of you, but let me explain....

For the first time in my life I have had to completely turn everything over to the Big Guy upstairs... don't get me wrong I rely on him daily, but never in my life have I felt like I just didn't belong and I was just here with no real reason to keep pushing forward. I have always had things I HAD to do to take care of my family, goals to better myself, and dreams I strived to accomplish.... and then within  a 6 month period that all changed. My life took a turn and there I stood alone spinning in circles trying to find just one thing that seemed familiar to me that I could grasp on to bring me back to that comfortable place I knew. Well it didn't happen.... my life and my brain were in complete chaos and I couldn't seem to fix it, and it changed me.... it changed the things I want in life, it changed what I will allow in my life, it changed my view on some of the people in my life, it changed how I look at myself, and it changed my beliefs....

As some of you have read in past blogs I was searching and trying to find a religion that I fit in.... that would accept me with all of my flaws and scars. Now this wasn't the first religion I had studied and been a part of, but I tried really hard to learn, to make the changes I needed to be "worthy", and to find the answers to the questions that were holding me back.... and then someone I have the utmost respect for said something to me that really resonated inside me "If it was right for you, you wouldn't be questioning it. Why do you want to be a part of something you know you can't live? You've been trying to be who everyone else wants or expects you to be for years. Stop trying to fit in. You know more and you know deep down inside this is not who you are." And she was right....

This set me on a new journey, one that had me researching and reading about Tibetan Buddhism. A lot of people don't understand that Buddhism is not a religion, it's a way of life. They do not pray or try to get something from Buddha. Nor do they bow down to Buddha, he is simply a person who has been awakened, nothing more or less. The point of Buddhism is to JUST SEE that is all. It teaches you to live consciously. It teaches that our dissatisfaction originates in us. It offers us a means to experience enlightenment or freedom of mind. Focus on being present rather than insisting what the future must be. It teaches Buddhist precepts not rules like most religions teach. It's a process, an awareness, an openness, a spirit of inquiry- not a belief system, or even a religion as we normally understand it.

Buddhism is not a belief system. It's about examining the world clearly and carefully, about testing everything and every idea. It's about knowing rather than believing or hoping or wishing. It's also about not being afraid to examine anything and everything, including our own personal agendas.

"Don't believe me because you see me as your teacher," he said. "Don't believe me because others do. And don't believe anything because you've read it in a book, either. Don't put your faith in reports, or tradition, or hearsay, or authority of religious leaders or texts. Don't rely on mere logic, or influence, or appearance, or speculation. " Buddha

The message is always examine and SEE for yourself. This is ME.... and when I finally started to allow myself to just be who I am, my brain began to clear. When I started to pray to the Big Guy upstairs with this calmness in my heart and head.... it calmed my soul. When I started to meditate again.... like I used to before I took a different path of learning.... I knew I was home.

There are so many of my beliefs that the majority of the people in my life don't "get" or don't even know about, because when I try to explain people tend to look at me like I'm CRAZY! I've been told I think a lot deeper than most people, that I ask too many questions and I just need to trust and believe, but this isn't me. I've read many books and researched so many different man based religions and I still come back to the same place.... and there I have no questions, just the constant urge inside me to learn more, to live the way I know is right , and to accept and love everyone no matter what their religious beliefs, the color of their skin, or their sexual preference because no matter God will always love them so who am I to judge?

When I started to write this blog post this morning I had no intention to go in to all of this, but as things tend to do with me, it all just came out. I know that the path I'm on right now is to find ME, to get to know ME, and to learn to love ME. I've also learned that one of the best places for me to do all of these things happens to be on a trail in the mountains or as close to water as I can get. There are a lot of people in my life who's feelings have been hurt because I just take off and go alone... but what I can't seem to get them to understand is.... It's not personal. I can't find ME and clear the wordly chaos out of my brain when I have someone with me. I can't talk freely to the Big Guy upstairs when I have someone with me wanting my attention to listen to their issues. I know that may sound a little selfish, but for once in my life I AM the priority. When I disappear or I'm quiet for days.... it's not personal. I'm working on ME. I'm finding the peace inside myself that will show me where I do belong and the path that is meant for me.

We all have our own paths to follow, and this is mine. And for once finding ME doesn't scare me...

Things you stop caring about after 40....

I've heard it said several times that 40 is kind of a breaking point where you really start to care less about what other people think or say about you, you realize who you want in your inner circle and who you want banished forever. There have been quite a few points in my life where I thought I was already at this point, but have since realized I'm just barely understanding the true meaning of this at 42.... It's not that you've just become a bitch as you have gotten older but you've lived long enough to be pretty much over all of the games and BS people like to throw your way.


1. Other People's Opinions.... UGH! Other people's opinions especially when they're about you mean nothing once you've realized they just DON'T matter. People can say you only date men with money, you're a party girl, you are cold and have no heart, but by this age you stop allowing other people's opinions, who truly don't know the person you are, to stop dictating your life and because you don't want their cesspool of negativity. And really how happy can THEY be if they feel the need to talk about you...

2. What YOU Can't Control.... There will always be those things in life that you can't control. When you finally realize this and let it go... there's a definite sense of freedom!

3. Trying to Fit In.... There are some people who spend their entire lives trying to fit in with the "perfect" group or what they perceive as the "right" people. When you finally realize that all you need to be is YOU and the "RIGHT" people will be apart of your life, then you find happiness. I like the idea of flying my freak flag and rolling solo!

4. Hanging on to Your Past Mistakes.... We ALL make mistakes, they DO NOT define us, and are merely pieces in our lives that have made us who we are today. They're necessary obstacles and we are practically grateful for them by this time in our lives.

5. Ending Toxic Relationships... Some people are just BAD for us! Some people, even if they are not cognizant of it, are toxic, horrible influences in out lives. And when we realize that removing them is healthy for us, it won't be a loss for sure!

6. Hiding your Blunt Honesty... There are still some instances where we tend to know that we need to "bite our tongue", but letting people who disrespect you, treat you bad, or do things to piss you off... you speak up and tell them what you think. Now I've had this talent for years, but I have noticed a change in it... it's a little more controlled as I have gotten older.

The freedom you start to feel when you stop trying to be the person that everyone else wants or expects you to be is AMAZING! You don't have to be or do what others tell you to be a wonderful person. It's taken me a long time to realize I am never going to be able to make everyone happy so I'll just start making myself the priority when it comes to happiness!

FORGIVENESS....

Every single one of us has been in the position where something has happened or someone has hurt us in the past that we were undeserving of. And there are even times when that person or persons aren't sorry or don't think they did anything wrong... When someone tells you that you hurt them, YOU don't get to decide that you didn't.

Holding on to years of anger and bitterness may hurt the other person, but really it's hurting you the most. It's holding you back from meeting YOUR highest potential. We get caught up in "But they don't deserve it", "They didn't even try to make it right", "They never even said they were sorry", "Look at how many times they did this to me".... We hold on to unforgiveness and we forget that we can't move on to greater things if our hands are full of the past hurts. You can't find freedom if you're focusing on the person that hurt you.

There are many times you will NEVER get the "I"M SORRY" that you rightfully deserve... and trust me I know how much that hurts, but how long are you willing to hold on to the anger and bitterness while the other person goes on with their life?

Forgiveness is a CHOICE not a feeling. You can't wait for the feeling of forgiveness you have to make the conscious choice to free yourself and the other person, and when you begin to forgive it's like you've stepped out from under a squat rack. The freedom of the anger, hurt, and bitterness is taken off of your shoulders and set you free.

I watched this video on forgiveness (posted on this blog) and the part that really stuck out to me was this...

"No one has ever died from a snake bite. It's not the bite that kills, it's the venom. It sneaks into the blood stream and destroys the nervous system, resulting in death. Our life venom is the anger and bitterness from events that have happened and hurt us. It is the bitterness and anger that will be the venom that breaks you down and hold you back from meeting your highest potential."

We have to learn to forgive ourselves also.... it's okay to fail, it's okay to make the wrong choice... but it is not okay to punish ourselves and others. At the end of the day we all need to learn to say "I will try again tomorrow."

Forgive quickly... and forgive often!

FORGIVENESS

Breaking up with YOURSELF

 

 

 

 

If you're anything like me... I am definitely my worst critic. Our inner critic can be brutal, to the point that it leads us away from our goals and dreams, by preying on our insecurities and making us feel horrible. Some call it your "inner-bitch" and others call it "self".

It's easy for us to notice when someone else it treating us this way but do you even realize when you're treating yourself like this?

Whether it's a relationship with your body, a relationship with how you're feeling, what you're doing, your relationship with food, or WHO you are, it's your relationship with YOURSELF. Sometimes the most dysfunctional relationship is the one between your head and your heart.

My brain is busy, excitable, and creative. Most days this doesn't cause a problem, until I start to over think and over analyze. There are days when it's been so distracting that I had had to tell myself "Shana, seriously calm the f*ck down!!". My overactive brain, destroying my inner self, is my worst enemy.

If you never forgave yourself for that thing you did that one time, you've never told yourself "I love you", you won't commit to yourself, you don't want to be seen with yourself out in public, you sabotage yourself, or you respect other peoples opinions of you over your own.... It might be time to BREAKUP with yourself and BE someone new!

So I'm breaking up with myself....

 I'm breaking up with the excuses that have limited my options and turned my mistakes into failures, into something to hide from and to fear.

I'm breaking up with grudges and criticisms. I will no longer bury the past in the present or whine about things that really don't matter. I'm leaving the past in the past.

I'm breaking up with the fear you cower in. Always hiding from myself, continually anxious about unlikely scenarios.

I'm breaking up with the rumors that you spread inside the chambers of my heart. All of the too fat, too dumb or ugly, too unworthy, and never enough. I'm no longer accepting the lies or listening to the putdowns.

It's over! I'm freeing myself from your misery. I'm kicking you out and inviting something much more beautiful into my life. So take the ring, the promises, the photos and LEAVE. I'm inviting peace, happiness, self love, and awareness into my life. I'm inviting ME.

Inside the Person We LET the World See

We all know that one person that everyone thinks is "so strong" and can make it through anything, the ONE who on the outside seems hard and has many walls surrounding them, the ONE that comes across as detached or easily walks away from people and situations, and the ONE many of us don't approach because they look mean or unapproachable, but have you ever wondered what's inside that person you have thought all of these things about? What kind of life they have lived? What they are hiding or holding back from the world to see? Have you ever thought maybe I should get to know this person instead of judging them?

I'm about to let you in on some of the things that until a few days ago I had kept hidden from the ones I love, my friends, and the world. The broken person who right now, and for the last few years, has been at the lowest point of self worth, not feeling worth a shit to anyone, I'm a failure, and at a place where the thought that if I drove off a cliff tomorrow NO ONE would ever even miss me or know that I was gone. I have laughed and gone along with people when they have commented on "how strong" and "self confident" I am, when on the inside all of my broken pieces were screaming out "Where do I belong??" and "Who am I supposed to be??".

I really started to feel myself struggle about 9 months ago when the life I had known for the past 22 years took a huge left turn before I was ready and my son moved back to his hometown and in with my daughter and her boyfriend. I was instantly LOST! Who was I know if my kids didn't need me to raise them anymore? I had defined myself for so long as a mother and that was WHO I was. What was I supposed to do now on my own? WHO was I???

BUT let's go back a little further.... Most people do not know a lot about my childhood. I have kept to myself the mental, emotional, and physical abuse for most of my life. I didn't like to talk about it and even kept it from the people I loved as much as I could. I didn't want it to define me and never wanted it to be an "excuse" for who I was, so I buried it the best I could. I resented my mother for a lot of years and even went to the extent of completely blocking her out of my life for a few years until someone very dear to me told me that I needed to make amends and forgive, because if I didn't I would really regret it and have a very hard time when she passed away.  There are people in my life who do know the history here and don't understand why this has hit me so hard, people who think that I am trying to make her out to be a "saint" when in all reality I'm recognizing that she was a person, someone who had her own life of issues, hurt, and mistakes. So I did... I made a conscious effort to rebuild a relationship and I forgave, but I have always felt that I started too late. I tried to cram so much love and caring in to such a short amount of time, and I had no idea she would leave before I felt I was ready and that I had fixed everything that I needed to.

I have struggled since that day.... and it set my life on a different path, the path in which I had to learn to find ME...

There are going to be quite a few people who don't agree, understand, and even a few that think I'm crazy when they read this next part but honestly I DON'T CARE.... THIS is what I believe and no religion or person can change it.... We all write our own life story before we come to earth, depending on how strong we are, the lessons we need to learn again, and the karma from previous lives we need to fix, we write the path that our life will follow. In this "map" of our life we add separate paths for the different decisions we end up making once we get here and have the free will to choose, and depending on those choices it determines whether or not we learn the lessons and fix the karma. I'm sharing this not because I want people to think I'm "wacko" but because it's what I know is true and I'm at a point in my life where I'm not going to hide what I know and believe.

For many years I have played the tough, I don't care, you can't break me person.... I put up my walls and pushed people out of my life to protect myself from all the hurt that came from letting them in, and being vulnerable. And until recently I hadn't realized that this stemmed from the grief I was going through.... grief from losing my mother, losing myself or the person I had defined myself as, and trying for so many years to be the person everyone else needed me to be.

I'm telling you all of this because there are so many of us that hide the shame, failure, inadequacy, that we feel daily in our lives. The people around us don't understand why we do the things we do, make the choices we make, or why we are so detached from the world. There's a song that I heard today that really made me think, but before you listen and read the lyrics I want you to think about a few things, a few shame points that I have felt, and I know many others have....

"I have to follow the world to fit in"
"I will always be defined by my mistakes"
"I'm nothing special"
"I've always felt inadequate"
"I have to save myself"
"I have to earn love"

A few days ago I was finally able to really let all of this out with a group of people who know me, understand my beliefs, and love me no matter the mistakes I have made in my life. Tears fell from my eyes from the moment I opened my mouth (just like they are as I sit and write this) but they were not all tears of sadness... they were tears that also brought a calmness over me and a breakthrough because I was finally able to recognize, understand, and begin to heal from everything I had been hiding.

Some of you might be asking yourselves WHY I'm sharing this and "airing my dirty laundry" and here is why... You truly never know what someone is going through in their daily lives! Instead of judging someone by the person YOU see on the outside.... remember that they may be only showing you what they want you to see, what they think you will accept, and the person that can't be hurt.

I am now on the journey to find ME.... to truly know who I am, to find where I belong, and to learn to LOVE that person no matter the flaws. I know that there will be some people in my life lost along the way, by their choice because of my beliefs or because they can no longer be with who I am, but I also know that this is how it's meant to be. I have always known that there were very few people that truly "got me" and understood my deep thoughts and need to know. I also know this is journey that will bring me closer to God, and the people who are supposed to be with me in this thing we call life.

Dear Mom In Heaven...

Mothers Day is a difficult day for me, as I'm sure it is for so many others. I think about my mom in heaven every day and still wonder if she's proud of the woman and the mother I have become, if she is happy with the choices I am making or if she really wants to give me the "look" right before she says "SHANA LEE" which I knew meant she disapproved of something that flew out of my mouth or something I had done. Which of course as an adult made me laugh and say "WHAT??" with a sarcastic/innocent smirk on my face.

My relationship with my Mother wasn't perfect, and there were even years when we didn't talk because of both of our stubborn and hard headed ways, but someone told me once that I needed to make peace with her and let go of all of the hard feelings of the past because one day she would be gone and it would devastate me if I didn't.

Shortly after that I made a promise to myself that I would do just that, and I did. My mom lived 3 hours away from me so I couldn't see her regularly, but I made sure we at least had our weekly Tuesday night phone call, if not more. Looking back now I see how much that healed my heart.

My moms health was never the greatest, but she was also stubborn and wouldn't tell me how bad she really was on the phone because "I had way too much going on with kids, work, and all the running I did."

I received a phone call one afternoon in the first week of January 2013 from my moms visiting teacher who checked on her a few times a week. She told me she was getting worse and I needed to come out and make her (yes I said make her) go to the doctor. So that's what I did.... against her will and even though she was so angry with me. We spent the next 5 weeks in the Cardiac ICU at the University of Utah.

I was lucky at the time to have a job that I could stay with her and work from the hospital. Those 5 weeks were some of the hardest days of my life... I spent the days with mom, sometimes talking when she was up to it, but mostly listening at watching. I will never forget the day I heard her talking to someone as I walked in... she had a smile on her face and she was looking up towards the ceiling. When I asked her who she was talking to she said "My momma and Grandma Margaret", her foster mother that even after she and her siblings were move to other homes stayed in her life and ours. I asked what they were telling her and she said "they are waiting for me to come home." As I tried not to instantly break down in tears I knew this was the time I had to tell my mom that it was okay for her to go home and that we would all be okay.... THAT was the hardest conversation I have EVER had to have in my life, and though she cried with me she said "okay, but not yet."

I knew that my mom was never going to be able to go home to her home again, so in the evenings I spent my time going through things and starting to box them up. Even though this was a huge job for me and my siblings I was able to learn so many things about my mother that I have never known, and I cherish that.

One week after my mother was moved to hospice, and the day after my siblings had taken their kids to visit, and I had visited.... I called my mom for our nightly talk, because at this time I had to go back to work for a couple of days before I came out to do the final packing and moving of her home, she told me she was tired and was having a hard time breathing and could I call her back in a half hour... she told me she loved me and hung up as I told her to push her nurses button and I would call them. About 20 minutes later I got "the call" that she was not going to make it and I went in to panic mode. Why was she not waiting for me to get there so I could say goodbye? I had told her I would be there in 2 days and stay the week, why wasn't she waiting for me? Why wasn't she waiting for my siblings to get there so she wasn't alone??

The next few days were quite a blur for me, and I'm thankful for the amazing people I had in my life to help me and my family through. It's been 3 years since she left us and I still catch myself wanting to call her and talk, vent, and just hear the way she could calm me down when I was upset. Happy Mothers Day Mom in Heaven! I hope you are having a wonderful day with the big guy upstairs!! even though I know it didn't make you very happy and you would have said "SHANA LEE" in your very stern way... I have your favorite roses tattooed on my left shoulder closest to my heart in memory and I look at them every single day! And yes every time I think about your reaction... I still get that sarcastic little smirk on my face! Love you Mom!

"Dear Mom In Heaven
I sit here and ponder how very much
I'd like to talk with you today
There are so many things
That we didn't get to say.
I know how much you care for me
And how much I care for you,
And each time that I think of you
I know you'll miss me too.
An angel came and took you by the hand, and said
Your place was ready in Heaven far above...
And you had to leave behind, all those you dearly loved
You had so much to live for, you had so much to do....
It still seems impossible that God was taking you.
And though your life on earth is past, in heaven it starts anew
You'll live for all eternity just as God has promised you.
And though you've walked through Heaven's gate
We are never far apart
For every time I think of you,
You're right here, deep within my heart."
Author unknown

Walk by faith and not by sight...

 

"For we walk by faith, not by sight".... I don't know about you but there are times when I really struggle with this. It's not that I feel my faith is faltering or that I don't KNOW that God is always by my side, but more the not knowing, not questioning, and trying to win the this war on my own is my downfall.

 

However, I am learning that this simple concept can be a much tougher assignment. It requires tremendous courage and strength. You must be able to give up any impression of control of your life that you thought you might have.... where I again struggle.

 

But it is a journey of tremendous blessing and reward. It's an exciting, life- altering, mind boggling journey. It's a journey that allows us to see and experience God, as he was meant to be, in all his fullness and grace. It requires us to go to a place we do not know, one that God will reveal as we walk in obedience. It requires you to have a strong determination to follow Gods plan no matter what life throws at you. It means we don't chase after the same things the world pursues.

 

To walk by faith and not by sight does not mean throwing caution to the wind or throwing your common sense out the window. It means giving Gods word first place in your life. It means listening and obeying. Following the scriptures and changing your behavior to what God commands. THIS is faith in action.

 

Walking by faith can seem scary at times but it's an adventure. Moving past our own limitations to see what God has in store for us, rather than trusting our own understanding or what the world tells us. 

 

There's a song that I have heard hundreds of times, but it never really hit me until the other day when I was struggling to walk by faith. I'm not quite sure why but it seems like every time there is a lesson I need to understand or even a reminder of what I need to be doing I come across a song that speaks right to me and it all just clicks. This was that song just the other day....

 

 

 

The part that really hit me was "Help me to win my endless fears. You've been so faithful for all my years. With one breath you make me new. Your grace covers all I do." I must have listened to this at least 20 times that day, because it was TRUE! How can we not walk by faith and trust in God when HE has been so faithful to us all of our lives??

 

It's not HIS love for us that falters, but our faith in HIM! The only one who is and always will protect, guide, and love us no matter what we have done.

 

So then why do we question? Why do we allow ourselves to struggle when we KNOW he will lead us where we need to be??

 

 

 

 



When did we turn in to a "DROP and SHOP" kind of world??

 

For those of us who are single the dating world can be quite an experience. Relationships don't seem to be taken as serious as they were in the past. It seems that marriage isn't taken as the commitment it was 20 years ago when couples would stick together and work out their problems together to keep the family unit close. Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying that anyone should stay in a marriage or relationship that involves abuse of any sort or if they truly aren't happy, but has our world really come to the point that people just get married because "hey if it doesn't work, we can just get a divorce." WHAT???

 

And then we move in to the world of online dating, where we have basically a dating drive-thru of many sites like POF, EHarmony, OKCupid, Zoosk, Match, ldsplanet, Christiansingles, Elitesingles, and many more! Most of these sites offer "personality testing" to match you with someone more compatible. This testing may not be accurate because people may not present themselves truthfully, they tend to leave things out, and how do you truly get to know someone by sitting behind a computer or on the other end of a phone messaging?

 

These sites offer the access to meet more potential partners, but how many are just endlessly shopping for the perfect partner rather than starting a real satisfying relationship? They offer a different number of ways to get to know a potential date... safe and convenient interaction, without much risk of time and commitment. The downside is that communication through a computer lacks some info that face to face interaction will provide.

 

So let's get real here... online dating is a numbers game, but it appears to be the way a lot of people do things these days. Our society has turned in to a "drop and shop" kind of world! I'm bored. I don't actually want to work at this and fix this problem. Ohhh look something more shiny! And instantly I'm done with you and headed back to the 24 hour Supermarket to find someone new! We have become dispensable! Online dating sites have made it easy to have throw away dates and relationships. The connection you think you have online is not genuine, you don't know their mannerisms, if they have an eye tick, if they like licking your face, or if there is even an attraction to this person, the chemistry that can only be found with face to face interaction.

 

How many people have built what they thought was an amazing emotional relationship online with someone but if and when they do meet face to face there is no physical connection there?? In some cases that is where it ends with people being "ghosted" with complete disregard to their feelings and leaving the potential of causing serious hurt. And then it's back to the ALWAYS open Supermarket of choice to find a new "pick of the day" or "flavor of the week".

 

With the divorce rate as large as it is nowadays the dating pool is very large, but does that mean that choosing quantity over quality is the way to go? I'm not saying that every single man or woman who is on an online dating site is just out looking to see how many women/men they can get, but have you ever noticed that there are quite a few of the same men/women on several different sites? So just in case the shopping at one Supermarket doesn't quite fit their needs they have the others as backup or they shop at all of them. Is it really THAT hard to find someone that we can connect with and want to get to know?? Does online dating making this easier or does it diminish the real substance of meeting someone face to face and feeling that initial spark that tells you "Hey I would really like to get to know you better"??

 

It's almost like dating has turned in to more of a job interview or a business meeting. Send in your resume (padded or real), attach photos because we need to make sure you look the part for this position, and if it all looks good then you may have the opportunity for an interview, that is of course if I'm really who I say I am and not just hiding behind a computer. You will have 45 minutes to impress me, see if you can hold my attention, and then I will decide if you are lucky enough to warrant a second interview or if you will ever hear from me again.

 

And yes I know that people date differently.... and not everyone dating online is after sex or a serial dater, that it does take time to weed out the weirdos, but is it REALLY worth it?

 

Now not all of what I've heard has been bad, there are those that have met their spouses online and are very happy. When I talked to them they said they were very patient and had to weed out a lot of weirdos but they stuck it out and found the "one". And for them I am happy!

 

Whether or not I agree with online dating or not... here are a few tips that the people I talked to mentioned...

 

• If you're interested in someone think about the message you send before you send it. From personal experience when I read a message that says "Hi" and nothing else, I'm deleting it. Don't try to be smooth and instead come across as the "not so smooth operator". Sending a message that says "Damn you're hot little lady. Are you in to muscular men?" is not only not going to get you a response from genuine woman with class but it's also going to be sent around to all of her friends and laughed at for months to come. Don't be the "generic junkie" and send a message to someone you have never talked to that says "Any fun weekend plans?"... Really? Why would a woman you have never interacted with just tell you her plans?
• If someone tells you they are going out of town and will be out of touch often... don't be fooled and think you are the only person they are communicating with.
• A lot of men/women actually categorize and use a scale of which potential date gets what night of the week. Thursdays- 6 1/2 to 7, Fridays- 8 to 9, Saturdays- the PRIME night 9 to 10, and Sunday brunch or coffee- 5 to 7. Most are dating multiple people and if they are truly interested they will hold that prime spot for that person.

 

 

I have already figured out that online dating isn't for me... I tried a few torturous weeks and was blown away by the messages I received from various men. I can't say that all of the messages I received were out of line or completely off the wall but.... MOST of them were.

 

 Maybe I'm different, I still believe that you can find the "right" man by not shopping at the 24 hour Supermarket or a dating site drive-thru. It really depends on what you're looking for and what is truly important to you. Having my phone "ping" every 5 minutes because someone sent me a "flirt", being told I'm beautiful or sexy by someone who has never met me and most likely never will, receiving messages that offend me or ask me to "hook-up"... none of these things interest me. It's hard enough to weed through the men I meet in the real world, and figure out if I'm meeting the "representative" or the true person, I don't have the time or energy to sit behind a computer and wonder if who I'm connecting with is REAL or fabricated. So.... NO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



A Day In My Head....

Have you ever felt misunderstood or to the point that you wish someone could just spend a day inside your head so maybe they would understand you a little better? HA! I had one of those brain overload days yesterday where I could not shut my brain down. I had so many things running through my head, important and completely irrelevant things all at once. Usually when this happens I know I need to take off on my own and recharge my batteries, which to me means shutting everything and everyone out so my brain can just shut down, but this didn't happen yesterday... I needed answers!

I've always known that if my brain was over stimulated it lead to anxiety and grumpiness, but on the other hand when I am bored and my brain isn't being challenged that screams TROUBLE in big flashing lights! So where is the happy medium?? How do I handle both and not be a complete jerk to everyone around me?? How do I make myself socialize in big groups of people without all of the chaos over stimulating my brain and sending me in to an anxious state? I'll tell you but first let's step in to my brain yesterday...

For those of you who have read my blog before you know that I have been on a spiritual journey for the past 9 months trying to find what's right for me! I'm one of "those" who asks a lot of questions and searches for answers. Now don't get me wrong I have strong faith in God and my relationship with him does not falter. I believe in the power of prayer and the answers and blessings that come from them, but I need to know things! My brain needs to know the how, why, and when of things that interest me and that I am putting my heart and soul in to. Well that lead to utter chaos in my brain yesterday...

 

It all started with a conversation about where I was at in my journey and if I was ready to move forward. My response being "Look I'm going to be 100% honest with you and I hope you don't take this wrong... I don't want to screw up! One of the things that is holding me back is what if I make this commitment before I am truly ready and I lose my brain and screw up? I need to be sure that I can commit to this 100% because I have made some really dumb mistakes in my past, and I really don't want to be answering for another enormous screw up". I felt pretty good about my response, but then all of these questions started flowing through my head, not really making me question, but sending complete anxiety to my brain that I needed to know these answers before I could go forward.

 

Questions like... What is sin? Who ultimately decides or is allowed to judge if someone has committed a sin? Do we sometimes allow ourselves to believe that because we haven't "completely" done an act that we have not really sinned? Or is it black and white, and because we have thought it, partially done it, and/or feel it we have committed a sin? And then even more flowed in like.... God does not make mistakes. And I believe a soul does not have a gender, some are more feminine and others more masculine, so being gay is not a choice in my beliefs. This goes against the beliefs of most religions I have ever studied. So how do I commit to one when I don't agree 100% with what their teachings are? Do I let it go because it doesn't really affect me? Do I keep my beliefs and just not agree with that part of their belief system? IS that wrong? Is it considered a sin because I don't agree 100%? And as you can guess my brain is now in "I MUST KNOW MORE" mode.

 

Here is where I struggle.... Like I've said before I have a very strong faith in God, I know he is ultimately the only one who can help, and when we ask he answers our prayers. I trust that he will never lead me astray. There is still this side of me that needs more knowledge. Knowledge is power and I need to know as much as I can before committing to something that affects my entire life. Some think that faith alone is required in all things spiritual. That we are to be guided by the spirit without pure knowledge. Okay I get the whole faith and trust part because I truly trust and believe in my God, but then why did he give us the scriptures and other teachings if we were not supposed to learn more and strengthen our knowledge? What if I come across someone one day who asks me a question that I can't answer because I don't have the knowledge and I could have somehow made a difference or been that person that helped them decide that this is true?

 

Now I'm not questioning the teachings, God himself, or my testimony at all. I just have this need to know more. I am not a sheep and I have never been a follower, but sometimes searching for answers and asking questions makes me feel so alone in this journey. Not alone or without God because I always feel him with me, but alone in this world because at times people react to me differently because I do question, and I don't think a lot of people quite understand how to take that. I'm not questioning their faith or beliefs but wanting more knowledge of the who, whats, and why thing are the way they are. The clarification of how things came to be and why man has changed them sometimes along the way. To go back and learn from the very beginning where it all started and not just from one persons perspective but from many.

 

Does this come from me not always being apart of these beliefs? Or because I have studied and been apart of other religions in the past? Or is it the adversary making me question everything to try and keep me from it?

 

So after a lot of time researching on the internet, reading my scriptures to understand the principles better, and asking a friend a million questions and going back and forth for hours yesterday.... the chaos in my brain was left with this.... You will never know all of the answers now, continue to search and study, continue to ask questions, but most of all PRAY... and through my prayers the chaos in my head doesn't seem so bad this morning. I'm left with the feeling that taking one thing at a time is how I will figure all of this out. I DON'T need all of the answers right now and my brain probably couldn't take them, but as I continue to have faith and search for my answers they will come. And of course keep on praying!

 

 

It's out of my hands...

Have you ever come to a point in your life where you just have to surrender and say "God this is too much for me to handle? I don't know who I am anymore or who you want me to be? I NEED you to lead me down the path you have set for me!! I can't do this on my own! I'm turning this over to you!" And at that moment we surrender it all over to God and it's out of our hands...

I can't tell you how many times I have been in this same spot!! When I have cried, yelled, and been so lost that I knew the only person who could help me was the "Big Guy Upstairs". When I've tried everything I can think of to make things work the way I think they should and yet they never seem to work. SURPRISE?!

And that is when I have to surrender, let go, and listen. I've gotten pretty good at the first two, but like someone pointed me out the other day.... I have to stop and actually listen for the answers he is giving me. There are times (a lot lately) that my mind is going in so many different directions that I can't even seem to calm it enough to hear what he is saying to me unless I shut the rest of the world out completely. And that is what I find myself doing more and more.... I leave this all of this worldy chaos and I disappear to a place where my phone isn't going off with 15 different notifications, where I don't have to worry about what everyone is doing or saying around me.... and I listen.

We can't do this on our own.... So WHY is that so hard for us to understand? Why when we are at our lowest do we still struggle to turn it all over to the only one we KNOW can and will always be there for us?

I think that some times we forget how important each one of us is to God. We think  that he doesn't have time for or he doesn't need to hear all of our problems, that we should be able to handle things on our own. We forget who WE are to HIM! We forget that he wants all of us to succeed and that when we rely on him and turn our biggest fears and problems over to him we are showing him OUR love, faith, and trust in HIM!

I know I struggle with this at times but I truly know that when we do turn our problems, fears, and downfalls over to our God and LISTEN he will show us the way through our toughest times. I have a very strong testimony to that.