There is something magical that seems to start happening around the age of 40... it's like we begin to wake up and look at the world in a new way.
For me, my children were rather independent and I had only one left at home, but I realized that even he was ready to venture out a little further than ever before from my rules and ideals. Both were ready to take on and conquer the world..... much like I was at their age.
It was shortly after I turned 40 that I began to realize that their was more to life than what I had always known.... piles of laundry, being the taxi, scheduling our lives around baseball games and school events. I had spent my whole adult life trying to give myself to something outside myself. Spending my time and energy on others, trying to prove my existence, and forgetting about myself along the way.... because that's what we're supposed to do, right?
So we give. We give more than we realize....
And then what seems like all of a sudden, which in my case it was, the piles of dishes diminish. Cooking for myself and a hungry teenage boy turned in to cooking for me. Having to schedule every minute of our week around baseball practice, games, and lessons with trainers turned into not knowing what to do with myself for the 5 hours after work before I went to bed. And you realize that you have been giving to everyone but yourself.
That magic day comes when we look around and there are no toys to pick up and you realize with a tear in your eye and sadness in your heart, that you are only responsible for yourself.
Now who do I give myself to? What do I do with all of this free time?
And then I was forced to look inward. I started to wonder what my passions were and what interests I might have. And I took some time for things that I enjoyed during the years when my children were young, but more to escape the craziness of being a single parent than real passions that made my heart sing.
I asked myself the question, what do I do now? All of a sudden I can do anything I want to do without worrying about laundry, kids schedules, and making dinner.... and I was perplexed.
Who am I? What drives ME? What makes MY heart smile? All of these questions suddenly came flooding through my head over, and over....
I was suddenly driven to find these answers. I had these conversations with my friends. I searched for somewhere that I would now belong. I was scared at just how strong this desire to find me had become... and yet I truly had no clue what my passions were. And that was when I started my awakening...
At first I referred to this as a crisis and not an awakening. People on the outside acted as if I was in the middle of some sort of mid-life crisis rather than an awakening.
A crisis is defined as an unstable or even dangerous situation... and I felt unsteady in a world that I knew so well, a world where I had all of the rules and schedules figured out. And then overnight that all changed... I started experiencing these strange sensations. I became aware and recognized that something was stirring inside of me.... Something real and deep inside of me.
I could feel my muscles flexing their muscles. Reaching up and out. Screaming at me to be heard as if I was waking u from a deep sleep I didn't know I had been in. I could feel my desires and passion stretching like they had been asleep or locked away for centuries.
I'm not sure if 40 is the age when we finally realize that we are an important part of society, not to leave a mark or belong, but to discover what gifts we as a person have to offer. It's like I found a softer way to let society know that I had something to offer..... ME.
I no longer have the feeling to manage schedules, instead I grab my pack and head off on a mountain trail or take a meditation class, not to escape but for the pure enjoyment.
Waking up to who we really are.... What is truly important in our life.... and not only recognizing and appreciating what we have....
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