It's been a while since I've blogged... there have been a few twists and turns, as I like to call them, in my life in the past few months so todays post may jump around a bit so I can get them all out. I've learned that writing down the things that bother me or that I can't seem to get out of my head works as an amazing release, so here goes...
I have been doing a lot of healing over the past two months.... not really in a physical sense but it has helped my physical body. A lot of people don't understand how much damage holding on to hurt, stress, and anger can affect the physical body. For the past few years I have ignored twinges of pain in my chest and issues with my stomach.... I always just pushed through them and told myself it was a part of getting older.... I never claimed to be smart but I'm definitely stubborn.
About two months ago I came home.... home meaning to a family that truly knows my heart and feeds my soul. For months I had been searching for where I belonged in this crazy world and the moment I walked in to their open arms I knew I was where I belonged. You see I had been struggling with my religious beliefs, my self worth, and beating myself up for my past..... and they brought me back to the place my soul had been yearning to be for the last few years... the place where I don't question every "rule" or belief, the place where my soul vibrates on a higher level, the place where my heart feels lighter and people notice a "glow" on my face and in my eyes, the place where my heart has finally began to heal from the past... the place where my soul can grow and be who I really am.
I've caught a lot of slack from people lately over making the decision to back away from organized religion, but the funny part is not one of these people has asked "why" I made the decision or even noticed how much happier I am since. I've heard negative comments about things being easier when there are no rules and nothing really to grasp on to but never asking for a explanation or reason as to why this was the choice for me. I'm not going to go in to full detail here because very few people are open enough to understand the path I've chosen, but here goes... Just because I chose not to be apart of any organized religion doesn't mean I'm doing anything "bad", in fact I feel as though I've become stronger in my relationship with God because I've been working so hard to heal my heart and soul from the hurts I've been holding on to. It doesn't mean I've gone back to my days of dating bad boys and partying... in fact it has made me stronger in my belief that putting those toxins in my body is not something I want to do and I don't need a rule to tell me that. It's shown me that healing myself is what will make me stronger, open my heart back up, and not only heal the important relationships in my life but actually make me want to allow more people in.
I'm not here "bashing" on any organized religion by any means I don't judge people by their beliefs because for one it's not my business and two I love people for who they are and not what they believe. Everyone has to make a choice in their own life of what works for them.
I started having crystal therapy done a few months ago and was told that my heart looked like it was broken in many different pieces that were held together by tape, like every time it was hurt again I would just throw another piece of tape on it to hold those pieces in and hope that it still worked. Hearing what I had felt for so long was an extremely emotional moment for me.... but it was so true.
I started working on releasing all of those hurts one piece of tape at a time through prayer and meditation, people who truly know me and have spent time with me can see the healing that has been done so far in the glow on my face and in my eyes. Even the people who don't know that I have been working on this have commented on how much happier I seem and I'm back to who I was, where they are confused is I'm not back to where I was but finding my way back to the path where I belong. The path that not only feeds my soul but has healed my heart and mind. The path that has helped me calm my mind without meds for ADD or anxiety... the healthy path.
During this time I also have learned to love myself again. For a while there I was not setting healthy boundaries with people and I was allowing their actions to hurt me and not make myself a priority. Some people think I'm a little harsh when I cut people out of my life and I admit in the past it was cut and dry, you either brought something to the table or you were gone. I've become a little softer but had to find a balance and set some boundaries lately and its been rough. I'm one of those people who cares deeply and even when someone has hurt me they still hold a place in my heart. I've learned recently that I can still care but that I need to set boundaries and make myself a priority and not people who I will never be a priority to.
Some people don't seem to understand that I'm working on me and striving to be a stronger, more vibrant person, who's soul vibrates on a higher level. Meaning I won't allow the negativity in, I have no time for drama and games, and as much as I really don't like being alone (hard to admit for me) I will be alone until I have healed myself and become the person I want to be.... the person I am meant to be, and until I come across that person who accepts me for who I am and wants to help make life better with me and not for me.
So those of you who are continuing this journey with me know that there are going to be ups and downs... we are all going to fall and get back up... but the best part about these twist and turns.... It will be worth it!!
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