Dear Mom In Heaven...

Mothers Day is a difficult day for me, as I'm sure it is for so many others. I think about my mom in heaven every day and still wonder if she's proud of the woman and the mother I have become, if she is happy with the choices I am making or if she really wants to give me the "look" right before she says "SHANA LEE" which I knew meant she disapproved of something that flew out of my mouth or something I had done. Which of course as an adult made me laugh and say "WHAT??" with a sarcastic/innocent smirk on my face.

My relationship with my Mother wasn't perfect, and there were even years when we didn't talk because of both of our stubborn and hard headed ways, but someone told me once that I needed to make peace with her and let go of all of the hard feelings of the past because one day she would be gone and it would devastate me if I didn't.

Shortly after that I made a promise to myself that I would do just that, and I did. My mom lived 3 hours away from me so I couldn't see her regularly, but I made sure we at least had our weekly Tuesday night phone call, if not more. Looking back now I see how much that healed my heart.

My moms health was never the greatest, but she was also stubborn and wouldn't tell me how bad she really was on the phone because "I had way too much going on with kids, work, and all the running I did."

I received a phone call one afternoon in the first week of January 2013 from my moms visiting teacher who checked on her a few times a week. She told me she was getting worse and I needed to come out and make her (yes I said make her) go to the doctor. So that's what I did.... against her will and even though she was so angry with me. We spent the next 5 weeks in the Cardiac ICU at the University of Utah.

I was lucky at the time to have a job that I could stay with her and work from the hospital. Those 5 weeks were some of the hardest days of my life... I spent the days with mom, sometimes talking when she was up to it, but mostly listening at watching. I will never forget the day I heard her talking to someone as I walked in... she had a smile on her face and she was looking up towards the ceiling. When I asked her who she was talking to she said "My momma and Grandma Margaret", her foster mother that even after she and her siblings were move to other homes stayed in her life and ours. I asked what they were telling her and she said "they are waiting for me to come home." As I tried not to instantly break down in tears I knew this was the time I had to tell my mom that it was okay for her to go home and that we would all be okay.... THAT was the hardest conversation I have EVER had to have in my life, and though she cried with me she said "okay, but not yet."

I knew that my mom was never going to be able to go home to her home again, so in the evenings I spent my time going through things and starting to box them up. Even though this was a huge job for me and my siblings I was able to learn so many things about my mother that I have never known, and I cherish that.

One week after my mother was moved to hospice, and the day after my siblings had taken their kids to visit, and I had visited.... I called my mom for our nightly talk, because at this time I had to go back to work for a couple of days before I came out to do the final packing and moving of her home, she told me she was tired and was having a hard time breathing and could I call her back in a half hour... she told me she loved me and hung up as I told her to push her nurses button and I would call them. About 20 minutes later I got "the call" that she was not going to make it and I went in to panic mode. Why was she not waiting for me to get there so I could say goodbye? I had told her I would be there in 2 days and stay the week, why wasn't she waiting for me? Why wasn't she waiting for my siblings to get there so she wasn't alone??

The next few days were quite a blur for me, and I'm thankful for the amazing people I had in my life to help me and my family through. It's been 3 years since she left us and I still catch myself wanting to call her and talk, vent, and just hear the way she could calm me down when I was upset. Happy Mothers Day Mom in Heaven! I hope you are having a wonderful day with the big guy upstairs!! even though I know it didn't make you very happy and you would have said "SHANA LEE" in your very stern way... I have your favorite roses tattooed on my left shoulder closest to my heart in memory and I look at them every single day! And yes every time I think about your reaction... I still get that sarcastic little smirk on my face! Love you Mom!

"Dear Mom In Heaven
I sit here and ponder how very much
I'd like to talk with you today
There are so many things
That we didn't get to say.
I know how much you care for me
And how much I care for you,
And each time that I think of you
I know you'll miss me too.
An angel came and took you by the hand, and said
Your place was ready in Heaven far above...
And you had to leave behind, all those you dearly loved
You had so much to live for, you had so much to do....
It still seems impossible that God was taking you.
And though your life on earth is past, in heaven it starts anew
You'll live for all eternity just as God has promised you.
And though you've walked through Heaven's gate
We are never far apart
For every time I think of you,
You're right here, deep within my heart."
Author unknown