Have you ever felt misunderstood or to the point that you wish someone could just spend a day inside your head so maybe they would understand you a little better? HA! I had one of those brain overload days yesterday where I could not shut my brain down. I had so many things running through my head, important and completely irrelevant things all at once. Usually when this happens I know I need to take off on my own and recharge my batteries, which to me means shutting everything and everyone out so my brain can just shut down, but this didn't happen yesterday... I needed answers!
I've always known that if my brain was over stimulated it lead to anxiety and grumpiness, but on the other hand when I am bored and my brain isn't being challenged that screams TROUBLE in big flashing lights! So where is the happy medium?? How do I handle both and not be a complete jerk to everyone around me?? How do I make myself socialize in big groups of people without all of the chaos over stimulating my brain and sending me in to an anxious state? I'll tell you but first let's step in to my brain yesterday...
For those of you who have read my blog before you know that I have been on a spiritual journey for the past 9 months trying to find what's right for me! I'm one of "those" who asks a lot of questions and searches for answers. Now don't get me wrong I have strong faith in God and my relationship with him does not falter. I believe in the power of prayer and the answers and blessings that come from them, but I need to know things! My brain needs to know the how, why, and when of things that interest me and that I am putting my heart and soul in to. Well that lead to utter chaos in my brain yesterday...
It all started with a conversation about where I was at in my journey and if I was ready to move forward. My response being "Look I'm going to be 100% honest with you and I hope you don't take this wrong... I don't want to screw up! One of the things that is holding me back is what if I make this commitment before I am truly ready and I lose my brain and screw up? I need to be sure that I can commit to this 100% because I have made some really dumb mistakes in my past, and I really don't want to be answering for another enormous screw up". I felt pretty good about my response, but then all of these questions started flowing through my head, not really making me question, but sending complete anxiety to my brain that I needed to know these answers before I could go forward.
Questions like... What is sin? Who ultimately decides or is allowed to judge if someone has committed a sin? Do we sometimes allow ourselves to believe that because we haven't "completely" done an act that we have not really sinned? Or is it black and white, and because we have thought it, partially done it, and/or feel it we have committed a sin? And then even more flowed in like.... God does not make mistakes. And I believe a soul does not have a gender, some are more feminine and others more masculine, so being gay is not a choice in my beliefs. This goes against the beliefs of most religions I have ever studied. So how do I commit to one when I don't agree 100% with what their teachings are? Do I let it go because it doesn't really affect me? Do I keep my beliefs and just not agree with that part of their belief system? IS that wrong? Is it considered a sin because I don't agree 100%? And as you can guess my brain is now in "I MUST KNOW MORE" mode.
Here is where I struggle.... Like I've said before I have a very strong faith in God, I know he is ultimately the only one who can help, and when we ask he answers our prayers. I trust that he will never lead me astray. There is still this side of me that needs more knowledge. Knowledge is power and I need to know as much as I can before committing to something that affects my entire life. Some think that faith alone is required in all things spiritual. That we are to be guided by the spirit without pure knowledge. Okay I get the whole faith and trust part because I truly trust and believe in my God, but then why did he give us the scriptures and other teachings if we were not supposed to learn more and strengthen our knowledge? What if I come across someone one day who asks me a question that I can't answer because I don't have the knowledge and I could have somehow made a difference or been that person that helped them decide that this is true?
Now I'm not questioning the teachings, God himself, or my testimony at all. I just have this need to know more. I am not a sheep and I have never been a follower, but sometimes searching for answers and asking questions makes me feel so alone in this journey. Not alone or without God because I always feel him with me, but alone in this world because at times people react to me differently because I do question, and I don't think a lot of people quite understand how to take that. I'm not questioning their faith or beliefs but wanting more knowledge of the who, whats, and why thing are the way they are. The clarification of how things came to be and why man has changed them sometimes along the way. To go back and learn from the very beginning where it all started and not just from one persons perspective but from many.
Does this come from me not always being apart of these beliefs? Or because I have studied and been apart of other religions in the past? Or is it the adversary making me question everything to try and keep me from it?
So after a lot of time researching on the internet, reading my scriptures to understand the principles better, and asking a friend a million questions and going back and forth for hours yesterday.... the chaos in my brain was left with this.... You will never know all of the answers now, continue to search and study, continue to ask questions, but most of all PRAY... and through my prayers the chaos in my head doesn't seem so bad this morning. I'm left with the feeling that taking one thing at a time is how I will figure all of this out. I DON'T need all of the answers right now and my brain probably couldn't take them, but as I continue to have faith and search for my answers they will come. And of course keep on praying!
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