It's out of my hands...

Have you ever come to a point in your life where you just have to surrender and say "God this is too much for me to handle? I don't know who I am anymore or who you want me to be? I NEED you to lead me down the path you have set for me!! I can't do this on my own! I'm turning this over to you!" And at that moment we surrender it all over to God and it's out of our hands...

I can't tell you how many times I have been in this same spot!! When I have cried, yelled, and been so lost that I knew the only person who could help me was the "Big Guy Upstairs". When I've tried everything I can think of to make things work the way I think they should and yet they never seem to work. SURPRISE?!

And that is when I have to surrender, let go, and listen. I've gotten pretty good at the first two, but like someone pointed me out the other day.... I have to stop and actually listen for the answers he is giving me. There are times (a lot lately) that my mind is going in so many different directions that I can't even seem to calm it enough to hear what he is saying to me unless I shut the rest of the world out completely. And that is what I find myself doing more and more.... I leave this all of this worldy chaos and I disappear to a place where my phone isn't going off with 15 different notifications, where I don't have to worry about what everyone is doing or saying around me.... and I listen.

We can't do this on our own.... So WHY is that so hard for us to understand? Why when we are at our lowest do we still struggle to turn it all over to the only one we KNOW can and will always be there for us?

I think that some times we forget how important each one of us is to God. We think  that he doesn't have time for or he doesn't need to hear all of our problems, that we should be able to handle things on our own. We forget who WE are to HIM! We forget that he wants all of us to succeed and that when we rely on him and turn our biggest fears and problems over to him we are showing him OUR love, faith, and trust in HIM!

I know I struggle with this at times but I truly know that when we do turn our problems, fears, and downfalls over to our God and LISTEN he will show us the way through our toughest times. I have a very strong testimony to that.

When you realize who you're really angry with...

We've all had that breakup or had a relationship of some sort end and we're hurt, mad, and upset, it's normal right? But the hard part for me is taking responsibility for WHY I'm so mad and hurt and really understanding it. And here is how it went as I wrote myself a letter yesterday....

"Dear ME,

It sucks when you finally realize that someone will never care for you the way you do for them. It hurts when they make you feel as though you just weren't enough, but what really sucks is when you realize that you saw all the signs ahead of time and you still allowed yourself to stay in the situation. So who are you really mad at??

I'm mad at myself for knowing I was being lied to and letting it go. I'm mad at myself for ignoring all of the red flags because I saw the good. I'm mad at myself for going back even when I knew I was setting myself up for another fall. I'm mad at myself for loving someone who never even thought of loving me. I'm mad at myself for trying to see the good in someone who was too busy noticing the good in 10 other women. I'm mad at myself for making excuses when I knew the truth. I'm mad at myself for caring so much that walking away felt like it was going to break me. I'm mad at myself for giving away an important part of me to someone it didn't matter to and who didn't see how hard it had been to even find that piece again. I'm mad at myself for allowing someone to take me back to a place I had finally healed from. I'm mad at myself for forgiving him and not yet forgiving myself...."


Forgiving ourselves for the choices and mistakes we have made is so important. It doesn't matter how many times we forgive another person we will still carry the baggage and the pain with us until we can forgive ourselves.

She Was Done Not Fully Being Herself.

And one day she just realized that she was done not fully being herself, the only self she could be. Not being her true self was a disservice to her soul and the world.

She was done questioning her motives, intentions, and what she knew was right in her soul. She knew that with questions she needed to seek answers, but maybe she already knew the answers.

She was done with the distractions and denials that pulled her away from the true desires of her soul. She had always been so focused and committed and that was where her strength and character came from.

She was done battling with herself, and trying to change who she knew she was meant to be, because the world wanted her to be someone else.

She was done analyzing all the options before she took the leap. It was time for her to leap even though she knew that meant not knowing where she would land.

She was done playing small so that others would feel comfortable and fit in. She finally realized that shining her light and being brave made others want to do the same.

She was done not trusting. She knew she had placed trust in untrustworthy people in the past so to build her trust back she learned to trust the one person she could always trust... herself.

She was done looking for love. She realized that accepting and loving herself was the best kind of love and where she needed to start to build other loving relationships.

She was done beating herself up and being so hard on herself, because neither of these things made her grow or feel better. She realized it was time to be kind to herself.

She was done being drained by others. She stopped giving her time to people who didn't want to take the time to build their own healing process and took a shortcut through hers.

She was done seeing hurt as something that needed to be avoided, foreseen or somehow her fault. She realized the hurt she had experienced had shaped as much as joy had and she needed both to grow.

She was done jumping to conclusions. And even if it made things feel awkward she needed to ask.

She was done being sad. She had realized that her sorrow arose when she betrayed her soul and made choices that weren't true to herself.

She was done needing permission or validation. She was her own authority.

She was done being something she was not and not being true to who she really was. The purpose of life was to be truly happy.... and the person she was born to be. And she had finally recognized herself.

Things I have learned about myself...

 

A few things I have learned about ME...

1. As much as I do not like "people" I have learned lately that I'm actually good with people. Weird I know! I like to hear about peoples families and their history. I like to watch the dynamic of how people choose to interact with others. And I have finally realized that the reason I avoid most people is because I care about them way too much.

2. I do not do well with people telling me half truths or lying to me. I know no one likes to be lied to but it seriously breaks my heart and weighs heavily on my brain to a point that most times I walk away because I can't handle the thought of why someone chose to not tell me the truth no matter how THEY think it will make me feel.

3. As tough as I think I am or I portray I am.... I break down and hurt just like all the rest. I remember my mom telling a nurse in the ICU before she passed that I was her STRONG child and could make it through anything. When in reality I struggle and hide my weak moments from most of the important people in my life because I feel like I have to be strong for everyone.

4. I am a HUGE dork! HA! And I love it! I'm that girl who sings at the top of her lungs in the car! The crazy aunt that likes having dance parties and playing games with the kids. The wild friend that will make a fool of myself just to laugh and have a good time with my friends.

5. I LOVE adventure and travel! I love to jump in the car and just GO! No set plans and no set destination! I love to see new things and meet new people. People who don't know me from Adam but are willing to share their story and kindest just because they can.

6. I have a slight case of OCD. Now it's nothing compared to 10 years ago but it the volume on any electronic device is on an odd number it makes me crazy!! And no matter whos vehicle or tv I will ask you to put it on an even number or just change it myself.

7. I'm definitely not the person I pictured myself to be when I was growing up, BUT I love who I am!

8. When I fall in love, which isn't an easy thing for me to do I LOVE hard! And if it doesn't work out... even though I pretend that I'm over it and okay.... it takes me a very long time to REALLY be over it.

9. I have learned that I have to take time to e alone frequently to recharge my batteries so I can deal with the world. I know it sounds weird but people drain me. I am 100% comfortable spending an entire weekend alone and never answering my phone or seeing another person.

10. I only allow a few people to truly be apart of my world, not because I have anything to hide but more because I'm all about quality relationships and not quantity. If someone continue to hurt me or make me feel as though I can easily be replaced.... I have a habit of walking away and, except on rare occasions, never looking back.

11. I forgive quickly... I do not forgive people for them but I have learned to forgive them for myself so that I don't have to pack the hurt and baggage that they brought with me.

12. I tend to be very blunt even when it's not the best time to be blunt. I have a hard time handling people with kid gloves.

I think as we grow older we learn a lot more about who we have become, whether good or bad. And knowing who you are and being happy with yourself is one of the most important things we need to learn in this life to truly be HAPPY!

When it all just clicks!

When it all just clicks!

When I woke up yesterday feeling achy and like I didn't want to do anything all day, I almost talked myself out of driving the hour to hear Al Fox Carraway speak. I had planned on going a few times before and ended up letting something else seem more important or letting myself be talked out of it. Thankfully the part of me that knew I needed to be there was stronger this time... or maybe I was just quiet enough that I actually listened.

When I walked in to the chapel and watched it fill up with over 1900 people, most being teenagers from the local seminaries, I thought "wow maybe I shouldn't have come. This engagement may be geared for a younger crowd." boy was I wrong!!

As I sat and listened to her tell her story about how she came to join the LDS church, I had so many mixed emotions. I mean this was a journey that I was making myself, not actually joining because I had been a member since I was 8, but becoming active again and actually learning and studying what this religion was all about so I could decide if it was where I needed to be. I listened as she told how she didn't invite anyone to her baptism because she was almost embarrassed. How all of her friends and some family members walked away from her because of the choice she had made.... and that is when the tears started to come. How did she know my exact fears??? That my friends and family would judge my choice and leave or make me choose? And then I heard these words "I chose to follow God" and I knew that the people who truly loved me and were meant to be apart of my journey would never walk away for a choice that I made to better myself and find happiness.

Even before I made the choice to start this journey, the thought had gone through my head several times when someone would talk about the Mormon religion that I had made so many mistakes in my past that there was no way I would ever be accepted and never welcomed in to their world. I knew that my appearance, because of my tattoos, would be judged and it was not something I was willing to deal with. I had felt "not good enough" so many times in my life before that why would I ever want to submit myself to any of that again? Well the funny thing is... the members of the church, people I know and complete strangers, have accepted my choice and treated me better than the non members who have tried so hard to make me "see" how horrible the church and their beliefs are. People who have known me for years who think that "preaching" their churches beliefs and non truths to me is somehow going to make me change my mind, when in reality it has sadly just made me stop sharing my beliefs with them. So when Al talked abut her first experience in Utah and how she was treated... it hit home! I have said many times that Utahan's are so judgmental, not just the LDS faith but the entire state!

When I started meeting with the missionaries back at the end of September, which I never thought would go anywhere, I knew if I was going to be a part of this I was going to have to make some changes... WHAT?! I liked me and my lifestyle! I liked who I was! Was I going to lose a part of my personality because I wanted to follow God? I would have to give up coffee??? My daily motivation and something I not only LOVED but thought I couldn't survive without??? Did I really want to do this?? It meant no more tattoos... and even though I had already told myself I was done, this is something that would limit me "doing what I want, when I want". And yet even though I've struggled with the giving up coffee part, and fallen back in to my craving of it, I know I can do all of these things because of the love an understanding that God has for us when we change our lives for him. How could I not?!?! Why would I ever want to walk away from or deny his love?? And that is when I came upon this....

So as I listened, wiped away tears, and felt that overwhelming feeling of that last bit of hesitation just "click" and be gone, it all made perfect sense to me! No matter who left! No matter how many hard times and tests were thrown my way! No matter what worldly vices I gave up! THIS was where I needed to be! I knew I had found my way home! And that right there brought on more emotion than I was ready for.... I no longer could control the tears rolling out of my eyes, even though I tried REALLY hard because my makeup was spot on last night, and I knew the light that a friend of mine told me he saw within me a few days earlier was shining even brighter!

Do I think this road will be easy? Not even close! I know this battle will be tough but worth it!!! And those that love and understand me... they will never leave my side!

So I have a great big "THANK YOU" to throw out to Al Fox Carraway for being brave and sharing her story! And also to a select few family and friends, that I consider family, for not only supporting and encouraging me so far but for also for never giving up on me even in my most rebellious times!! And now I am going to give it my "REAL TRY" and allow all of these amazing blessing to come in to my life!

Letting your REAL hang out

Letting your REAL hang out

"We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self might prove to be." May Sarton

I don't know about you, but the I like being around the people who know the REAL me better than anyone else in this world. The people who don't care what car I drive, what my professional life is all about, if I'm just ugly that day because I chose to not wear makeup or do my hair, and the ones who know that I'm not perfect, politically correct, and very blunt. Those are MY people!

"Nobody wants to be lonely. Everyone wants to be part of a group. The crowd is essential for the false self to exist. Don't die before realizing your authentic self." Osho-

It's easy to get caught up in a world of fake, trying to get acceptance from the crowd. Authenticity. Courage. Vulnerability. We hear these words so much in our daily lives but how often do we actually stop and investigate what they really mean?

Vulnerability has always been a scary word to me. Putting myself out there and risking that someone is going to take advantage of my flaws. But I've noticed that the more I strive to have only REAL people my life it gets easier. I'm not saying I don't care about throwing myself to the wolves and giving someone the ammunition to destroy me, but I am vulnerable and put myself out there for the people I know are meant to stay.

No one is perfect but we let EGO take over and make us think that we need to "compete" or "be better" than anyone else or for someone to truly accept us. When in reality.... the people who truly love and care for us are the ones who know our faults, flaws, and how imperfect we truly are.

 

 

 

Why is there this need to portray ourselves as something or someone we are not? Why do we have the tendency to NEED to feel this acceptance from people we don't really even know? On social media, dating sites, out at a club? Are we a world that is so self conscious about who we really are, that we have to make this fake world full of fake people?

 

 

I've been told before that sometimes people don't appreciate my honesty about a situation or they can't believe how freely I will talk about a mistake or a flaw I have. Well here's how I look at that.... I am not perfect, I will never be, but I want people in my life that are honest with me even if they know it may hurt me. I want them to be who they REALLY are and not who society, religion, or their families have told them they need to be. I want to be surrounded by people who know they have faults but are working on them rather pretending to be someone they are not.

 

Being real doesn't mean being mean and purposely hurting others with  the things you say, but it means being the real YOU and that's a hard concept for some people to understand.

 

Are you REAL? Do you find yourself portraying yourself to be "better" or "more" than what you really are?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Self Doubt

We all have moments of self doubt and wondering if we are "enough" but how do we grow past these dips in the road and allow ourselves to show our true talents and become what we were meant to be??

 How many times have you sat in a room and let yourself think that someone was judging you for your past mistakes, the way you were dressed, or things they had heard about you? I am so guilty of this...

Just this last Sunday as I sat in church, I saw a gentleman that I had known for years. Our sons have played ball together and our families had spent many weekend trips away at tournaments. As the services went on and I saw him looking at me occasionally with what I saw as a "judging" or "disapproving" stare my self doubt went crazy! I seriously had to start talking myself away from the edge... I knew my outfit was on point and appropriate. My hair, while maybe a little poofy for my liking, looked good. So why was he looking at me? Was it because of the tattoos which he, and everyone else in town, knew I had? Was it because he knew of some of my past mistakes and he didn't think I should be there?? Was I really good enough to be sitting in the house of the lord? YES these are the thoughts that went soaring through my head!

I knew I wasn't the same person I had been in the past. I also knew I wasn't perfect but I was trying so hard to be a better person and not make the same mistakes. I let these thoughts control my mood for the rest of the day... I couldn't get the anxious, self loathing, never going to be good enough feeling to go away.

So I went to see a good friend of mine that had some of the same struggles in the past, but was well on his way down the road that I was heading down. As I told him how I had been feeling and why, he took my self doubt and threw it out the window. He turned all of the horrible things I had going through my head in to positive. He made me see and feel the light that I knew was inside of me burning brighter every day. He filled my cup when I had let it be emptied. He reminded me that we are all Gods children and in his eyes we are always "enough". That no matter the sins of our past or the ones we make daily, he forgives us and loves us unconditionally.

I know now that the self doubt I was feeling was the adversary making me doubt who I am and who I'm striving to become. I am so thankful for the strength of the people in my life that have shown me and keep showing me that I AM ENOUGH and I can forgive myself for the past mistakes I have made and be the person I am meant to be.

YOU KNOW MY NAME NOT MY STORY

YOU KNOW MY NAME NOT MY STORY

When we meet someone, spend a little time with them, and even see them around we think we KNOW them, but how well do you really now someone? How long does it take to truly know a person inside and out?

I have a couple of VERY close friends that truly know me to the core. There are a lot of others who think they do and give me labels like... cold hearted, man hater, the strong one, loner, etc. yet not one of these "labels" truly describes me.

Here's my story, and at the end I'll tell you the label I have given myself....

I was raised by a single mom with 3 siblings that lived with us, and another that did not. I never met my biological father until I was 26 years old. Our household was never like anyone else's. It wasn't that neighborhood house that all the kids wanted to hangout at, in fact we were rarely allowed to have friends over. I'm not going to try and paint a pretty picture of this amazing childhood, because honestly it was not. Being raised by a single mother who had issues with depression, no patience, and honestly did not know how to handle 4 kids on her own was not the ideal life. There was physical, emotional, and verbal abuse that went on in our home, and I never felt "good enough" growing up, sadly we all "escaped" as soon as we could and started our own lives.

I moved to another state shortly after I left home, following my boyfriend at the time. About a year later we had a beautiful baby girl. I thought life was going to be perfect from here on out and I wouldn't make the "same" mistakes in my life that my parents had. Was I wrong.... I went on to be married and divorced 4 times, twice to the same man. I definitely did not make great choices in the men I married... and I know now that they were just part of my path and the lessons I needed to learn. I made a choice after my last divorce that I would not marry a man with any type of addiction, and decided that I needed to find myself before I ever thought of getting in to another relationship. I realized that I was a "fixer", and I chose men that there was no way I was ever going to be able to fix, and that left me feeling like a failure.

My kids and I struggled for quite a few years just trying to make ends meet, but they never went without. If there was one thing I learned from my mom it was to work hard at everything you do. My kids needs and wants came first before me every time. I wasn't the best mom around, I mean we all make mistakes, but I tried my hardest to raise my kids to be amazing! And luckily even though they endured all of my screw ups I'm happy to say they turned out pretty damn good!

I'm at the point in my life that my kids are basically grown and I'm nearing being an empty nester... which has opened up a lot of time for me to reflect on my journey, and here's what I've figured out... I'm not perfect and will never be, no one here on earth will ever achieve that greatness. Through all of the struggles in my life I have come out strong. I know my childhood had some affect on who I am today, but I don't carry it with me. I don't carry that label that I had to grow up too fast, that I was abused, or that I never felt good enough for anyone. It actually pushed me to be a different person and to show myself that I am "enough", and that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. I still haven't found that "perfect" man, but I'm not discouraged, I know that when the time is right God will send me the man who is meant for me.  I know that during all of the trials I have gone through in my marriages/ relationships that I was being shown not to settle, not to rush, and that believing in myself and the good person I am will take me farther in life than I ever thought.

So what label do I feel describes me??? ME... I am ME and only ME. I am not a product of my childhood, my relationships, or my past. I am the person I  have chosen to be... Someone who loves whole heartedly, forgives freely, who gives too many chances even when I get hurt. I am the person that will drop everything to help a friend in need, will drive hours to put a smile on someone I care abouts face. Whether it's what everyone else thinks I should be, or not I am at a point where I don't care. I am ME!

So how well do you really know the people in your life?

The Fork in the Road

The Fork in the Road

"And one day she realized she had a choice to make as she came to a fork in the road... She stopped and reflected back on the long windy road she had already traveled. She remembered all of the ups and downs, hurt, tears, and heartbreaks she had endured. So which way would she go? Down the road that could do the same all over again? Or had she finally gotten to the point that she knew she had tried her hardest, made every effort, and could take the other road that would leave certain people behind, but take her to a place she had worked so hard to get? And that is when she chose happiness."

This is the kind of thing that just pops in to my head at times, like this morning at the gym while I was trying to bust out my cardio warmup, and I have to immediately stop and write it down. When this happens it's always like it's the answer I've been waiting for, and it's time to follow through and make some choices.

I am guilty of giving some people too many chances, continuing to make an effort even after I have been burned, and always trying to see the good/ brighter side even if my heart has been broken. For the last month I have been praying to find the answers of how to handle a certain relationship in my life. I was tired of feeling unimportant, wondering if I really even mattered, making an ass of myself by continuing to try, and loving someone who obviously did not feel the same about me. The hard part was that his actions never portrayed the words he was saying, but for some reason I couldn't get him out of my head. I couldn't just walk away like I had so many times before.... and honestly I was at a loss. I was at the fork in the road.... and I needed to decide which path I was going to take.

Did I just continue to the road that I knew in my heart and soul was going to wind back around and take me back to where I had struggled so hard to get off of? Or did I finally decide to take the road that might be a little harder at first but in the end it would lead to happiness? And as hard as that choice seemed to be... I chose the road to happiness.

Do I know what that road consists of? What stops there will be a long the way? No I don't, but I do know that it has to better than the twisty windy road that only leads to heartache and sadness. And I know that as long as I trust in the big guy upstairs he will lead me down this road and help me through any bumps that seem to show up.

KICKING YOUR EMOTIONAL TRASH TO THE CURB!

KICKING YOUR EMOTIONAL TRASH TO THE CURB!

Have you ever felt like you are packing around so much that you can barely walk? There just comes a time when you have to unload the emotional baggage that you've been packing and kick it to the curb!

More often than not we allow the things people say or how they treat to define who we think we are. I'm totally guilty of this. Even though I know that no matter how someone treats me that it is their action and has nothing to do with who I am.... I tend to let it get to me. Whether it be a past relationship, a co-worker, an acquaintance.... when someone treats you badly how do you not let it affect you or hangout in your head?

I am guilty of allowing this.... sometimes to the point that I second guess myself and the person I am because I don't understand how a person could do the things they have done IF there really wasn't something wrong with me, and this thinking is SO wrong. Other peoples actions are just that... THEY have chosen to do or say the things they do and it has nothing to do with the person you are. We make choices every day to on how we are going to act or react to a situation.

So today I am kicking packing the emotional baggage from other peoples actions to the curb! I am no longer carrying around the hurt of others peoples actions with me, the labels, loss of trust, lies, and making me feel as though I really don't matter..... ALL stuffed inside that great big black trash bag and out of my head!

When you truly think about putting other peoples actions back on them so that you can be set free.... it's a wonderful feeling!

What are you kicking to the curb today???

 

VEGAS GONE BAD!

VEGAS GONE BAD!

We've all had our trips to Las Vegas that we thought were a little wild, but....

A few years ago my best friend and I decided to take a trip to Vegas to see Maroon 5 in concert. I was ecstatic not only for the trip but of course to see my "boyfriend" Adam perform live. Looking back I really never thought this trip would go down the way it did.

I had been hanging out with a guy friend, let's call him Dr. Roofie, for around 8 months when my bff "J"and I decided to go to Vegas. In the beginning I had a MAJOR crush on this guy and thought he was the most amazing specimen of a man there was... there I go letting my hormones and brain get involved again. There had been quite a few red flags with this guy from day one but I, the master of ignoring red flags, did just that I ignored them. He was fun, smart, sexy, and we always had a great time together. So when he told me he had a reunion in Vegas the same weekend that we were going I really didn't think much of it. We made plans to hookup for a show and hangout. I soon found out that my idea of hanging out and hooking up was completely different than his.....

"J" and I spent a few days in Mesquite prior to heading to Vegas to watch my son play baseball. Before we had even left texts started about "when are you going to be here?" and "Forget baseball and come hang out with me in Vegas, I'm bored". This guy obviously didn't know me as well as I thought because Ya that was NEVER going to happen.

When we finally made it to Vegas that Friday afternoon, we were instantly "summoned" to his room to drop off a suit he had us bring so it didn't wrinkle on the plane, and this is where the "Vegas gone bad" weekend began. Instantly his room was "better" and we should just cancel our reservations and share a room with him. WHAT?! This was a "girls" weekend and there was no way in hell we were going to share a room, but it didn't stop there. When Dr. Roofie's plan to share a room was shut down, he decided he should just come to our room and hangout while we got ready for the show. I was soooo happy when "J" shut him down and said "No, we can drop you off at the casino or something, but I'm not getting ready with some guy watching and breathing down my throat to get ready." This was when tantrum #2 started....

As we headed to our hotel we dropped him off at another close by casino. We of course took our sweet time getting ready, because this was OUR trip. When we stopped to pickup Dr. Roofie to head to the show that night, we found him well on his way to being trashed, and yes still pouting. At the time I was taking an anti anxiety medication, which he knew about, and he casually as if it was just expected reached in to my purse grabbed the bottle and took a couple. When I told him to save me some he told me "not to worry that he had brought his prescription pad with him if I needed more". I was a little shocked but thought maybe it would chill him out and he would stop being annoying and whiny. HA I was wishful thinking!

As we walked to the casino where the Cirque show was that night things started getting even more weird. One of the valets made a comment to him that he looked like a pimp with two hot women in little black dresses and heels on his arms, and it went directly to his head. We had missed the early show, because we took our sweet time getting ready, and decided to hit up a martini bar while we waited. We were usually on guard when we went out but weren't too worried when Dr. Roofie got our drinks for us. I know you're always supposed to watch the bartender make your drinks in this crazy world of date rape drugs, but we didn't this night. "J" had 2 martinis, and I drank 3, well under what we had drank the night before in Mesquite at the casino. As we walked over to get in line for our show I started feeling really weird, and by the time we made it to our seats I knew there was seriously something wrong. I do not remember anything after the first 5 minutes if that show.

I was told by "J" that I got up and said I was going to get a drink and I never came back. We were staying at the opposite end of the strip and other than a $100 bill being missing out of my wallet and a text to "J" that I was in a taxi, I have no idea what happened. Here's what we pieced together the next morning.

When I didn't come back in to the show "J" was extremely worried. She told Dr. Roofie that something was wrong and I would never abandon her in Vegas or anywhere else, so they needed to look for me. Well he had other ideas... after telling her that I would be fine and they should just go up to his room, asking her if I dictated her life, and saying quite a few more horrible things, he left her standing on the strip alone. A beautiful woman, dressed in heels and a little black dress.... alone at midnight on the strip.... did I mention this was her first time in Vegas? As "J" tried to find her way back to our hotel a mutual friend of ours who was still in Mesquite happened to start texting her. With his help she finally made it to a taxi station and was able to get to the hotel, after she got completely turned around of course and wandered for an hour.

When she got back to the room she found me there in bed naked.... clothes in a mess on the floor from the door to the bathroom, and heels in my purse. She said I was so out she actually checked my breathing to make sure I was alive. SCARY!! I of course never heard anything.

The next morning when I finally came to, I tried to piece things together in my head but couldn't remember anything. As I laid there trying to get the fog to go away in my head I knew something had happened to me that I had never experienced before. I was not a sweet, innocent, little girl at this time. I knew what my drinking limit was, I had been drunk quite a few time, and hungover more than I would ever like to remember.... this was nothing like that.

When "J" finally woke up she asked mw WTH had happened.... I couldn't tell her anything because I didn't remember anything. She then told me about her night and showed me the vial messages Dr. Roofie had sent her when she went looking for me instead of going with him. For any of you who know me I was instantly pissed! I was no longer worried about what had happened to me but I wanted to punch him directly in the throat for leaving my friend alone on the strip in Vegas. After numerous ignored calls and texts, and I sat at Starbucks in the casino still trying to clear my foggy head, I finally answered Roofie boys call and let him have it! Not only did he play down what had happened to me (and actually laughed about it), but he did the same when it came to what he had done to "J", and had the nerve to ask us to meet him at the Venetian for lunch and a gondola ride, and for some reason we did it. At the time I wasn't sure who had slipped me something or what had really happened... but after that gondola ride "J" and I were both pretty positive.

We once again left and went back to our room alone to get ready for the concert. Finally some girl time like we had planned.... haha! Both of our cell phones started going off with texts and calls, when we didn't answer the room phone started ringing... REALLY?!?! A FB message came through to both of us saying he was downstairs and wanted to know which room we were in so he could come hangout with us until the concert. Dude was NEVER going to get the clue that this was a GIRLS trip and when exactly was this reunion he was supposedly in Vegas for??? Things were getting even more weird and not adding up. I finally sent a message that we had already left the hotel and were headed to the concert, and then we ditched out watching our backs the whole way to the other casino, but once again it didn't end there....

After an amazing concert we decided to walk the strip and have some fun just the two of us, because if you remember this was a GIRLS trip. We posted a few pics that night at the M&M Factory and instantly the messages started about us ditching him and making this his worst Vegas trip ever... WOW! Despite all Dr. Roofies drama that night we had a great time, met a couple of guys that we walked the strip with and then went back to our hotel ALONE.... or at least we thought we were alone. I left "J" at a slot machine and went to the restroom, when I came out I saw one of the guys we had met that night. I said HI and started heading back over to "J" where I saw the other guy grab her and kiss her. I seriously thought "oh no, here we go again and slid right in to "ditch" mode. I grabbed Jen and we headed up to our room... until we saw both guys following us, and we hauled ass out the doors. When we thought they had given up we went back in to see them waiting by the elevators, I saw a security guard and went right up to him and told him we were being followed by  a couple of guys and couldn't get up to our room because they were now waiting by the elevators. He was nice enough to take us up the back security way and deliver us safely to our room.

Dr. Roofie wasn't quite done yet and made sure to post on social media that we were horrible and he had the worst trip of his life to Vegas, which of course made me laugh because he wasn't even the one who had gotten roofied or left alone on the strip!! We headed to Freemont street that day and had an amazing time at a drag bar where no one hit on us, drugged us, or followed us!

As we left Vegas the next morning we stopped at store and bought pepper spray.... a little too late but HEY at least we bought some. As we drove home still slightly in shock from the weekends events, we both received a nasty message from our Dr. Roofie telling us what horrible people we were and that he was no longer going to be our friend... Funny that someone I thought so highly of and loved spending my time with had finally shown his true colors and I was happy to see him go!

You would think I would have learned from this experience, but I have to say my next "crush" was not any better!!

10 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE BEEN FRIEND ZONED!

10 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE BEEN FRIEND ZONED

We've all been "friend zoned" by someone in life.... and it tends to come as a surprise to us. I have a really good guy friend who has told me... and a few others that being sent to the friend zone by me means falling in to the abyss of a giant black hole that you will never find your way out of. LOL! Yes, that actually makes me laugh.

If you're getting one of these 10 deadly signals from a woman, chances are you are headed to the "friend zone"...

1- She's not on her toes around you- No sparks means no romance. A woman who is trying to show you she is interested in you will be interested in the things you say and do. If she's perfectly at ease with you never showing her nervousness, that's not necessarily a good thing.

2- She doesn't laugh at your jokes- A sense of humor usually tops a woman's list of attractions. If she's really interested romantically, she'll laugh at your jokes, even if they aren't funny.

3- She brings up other women- When a single woman talks about your prospects with other women, she is shifting your attention from herself on to other victims. Passing the romantic buck can be inferred by saying "A great guy like you can get anyone you want". If you're out with your target and she leans in and says "She's beautiful isn't she?" chances are you've already entered the friend zone.

4- If there is no physical or intimate contact- One of the most common friend zone signs is if she pulls herself away each time you touch her casually. If she doesn't pull away from you, but never really touches you either, you are still being friend zoned.

5- She talks with you about the other men she's dating- If the woman you're interested in talks with you about the other guys she's dating, she has definitely friend zoned you.

6- Addresses you as a "friend"- You may spend all day together everyday, yet the way she introduces you to her family or friends is a huge sign of her thoughts about you on a romantic level. If her introductions are "He is such a good friend" or "I love John, he is my BFF" you should probably accept you fate in the friend zone.

7- You're her shoulder- The absolute worst way to realize that you have most definitely entered the friend zone is when you're her shoulder to cry on after every breakup. If this is the case you might as well book yourself a one-way ticket to the friend zone... No need to buy a return ticket.

8- Three's not a crowd- If you invite her somewhere and she brings along a friend every time... there is no doubt where you stand in terms of a friendship versus a romantic relationship.

9- She avoids being seen with you- When the two of you are out together she avoids being seen with you so people don't get the wrong idea. If she's making a point to stand away from you or let people know you're not "together" She has definitely cast you in to the friend zone and doesn't want any chance of anyone thinking the two of you are an item.

10- Shopping time- Does she call you to go shopping on a regular basis? Now if you're going lingerie shopping it's a different story, but if she calls you to go shoe shopping, purse shopping, or you're carrying all of her purchases through the mall like a puppy dog... that's where things are looking grim and you may just want to admit that you have definitely been friend zoned.

For some the friend zone isn't a bad place and can actually turn in to an amazing friendship, instead of a relationship that self destructs in a few weeks. I can honestly say I've been "bro'd" a few times and I'm still friends with a few of those men. My best guy friends have always been guys that I knew or found out were romantically interested in me but the feeling was not mutual. Or in a few cases we had dated and it just didn't work out.