13 SIGNS THAT YOU'RE DATING A PLAYER

13 SIGNS THAT YOU'RE DATING A PLAYER

 

We all believe that we will be able to spot HIM... that only those other naïve girls will be swept away by his games. The truth is a player can be THAT good, especially if he's had years to perfect
 his skills, and hone in on what women want, giving it to them in such small doses that they keep coming back for more. He always knows exactly what to say and falling for his womanizing is easy. But if you watch for the signs.... you may be able to avoid the heartbreak of being played.

1. His words do not match his actions- He makes plans that he doesn't keep. If you try to pin him down more than a week in advance you will be standing on shaky ground. Wondering if your plans will come to pass until you are until you are in the midst of them. When he does make plans they are usually last minute. He talks about the future, even in short term, but never follows through.

2. He comes on strong- There is instant chemistry. You both feel it. The texting begins almost immediately. Intimate conversations. Setting up the next date because he must see you. He will not let you slip away, no matter how you resist. And when you try to pull away he comes on stronger.

3. He pulls back, even disappears, as soon as things start going well- Now you're hooked! The relationship you think you're building is moving along nicely. You get along great! The sex/intimacy is amazing! And you are pretty sure that he's THE ONE! Then all of a sudden he slams on the brakes. You are left wondering what happened and what you did to cause this outcome. And sadly you most likely will never know.

4. You spend a lot of time analyzing what he says- He says he adores you. He loves spending time with you. Loves the person that you are. He texts you that he misses you, calls you pet names, and that he wants to see you, but the relationship never seems to progress. If you need to analyze what he says, he most likely doesn't mean it. If a guy is only interested in seeing you, his intentions will be obvious.

5. He still has an active online dating profile- If he still maintains an active online dating profile or profiles long after you've started dating. It's time to find someone new. If a monogamous relationship is what you're looking for... you're not going to find it with him. Waiting for someone to change should never be a consideration.

6. Most of his friends are women- Most of his friends in his daily life are women... and also on social media. Conversation never reveals if he is having sex or has had sex with any of these "friends". You are left wondering if you are any more "special" than any of these women... and most likely you are not.

7. He constantly talks about the women he's dated/ been married to- If he is always talking about the women from his "past" it's a sure sign that he isn't over those relationships and you may want to think about getting out before you get hurt. Common courtesy in dating says to not continually talk about your past relationships.

8- If he ignores and skirts around serious relationship questions- When you try to pin him down by asking direct questions about your "relationship" and he either completely ignores them or only answers what he wants to... he most likely doesn't have the same idea of where you're at in your relationship, and it may be time to move on.

9- Your gut tells you so- Women's intuition is REAL. Trust it! If you think your guy is a player, chances are it is you who is being played!

10- There is never a goodbye- No matter how many times either one of you "breaks" it off, it's never really over. Somehow he always seems to reappear waving a flag like "here I am", even if it's a red one. Never promising more, only toying with your emotions, making you wonder if this time things will be different. The problem is.... they never are. At some point it comes time to recognize the cycle, and break it.

11- His track record for commitment is very poor-  If the guy you are dating has been dating for years (serial dater check the blog) and has no record of a monogamous relationship that lasts more than a year, it is wise to question whether or not he can or will not offer you the commitment you desire. Though there are exceptions to every rule, and people can and do change, the odds are not stacked in your favor.

12. He introduces you or refers to you as a friend-  A guy who is serious about you will make you his girlfriend. He will want you and every other man in the world to know to know you are unavailable. If he refers to you as a friend in public or private, he is making sure everyone knows his options are still open. If he introduces you as a friend or even a friend of a friend... here's your sign!

13. Disappears to the bathroom no matter where you are for long periods of time- If your guy disappears to the bathroom or another room with his phone for long periods of time... don't think he isn't returning texts or checking in on his other "friends".

 

Break the cycle.... GAME OVER!

The apology and explanation you will never get

We all want that apology or explanation after our heart has been broken of "why you felt it was okay to treat me the way you did"or the "I'm sorry for breaking your heart", but truthfully how many of us ever get it?

I personally have never received either in all of my relationships or after a break up. And finally one day I realized that my expectations were too high. I mean really if someone breaks your heart, whether it be by cheating, lying, or just walking away do you really think that they feel obligated to help in the healing of your heart? Not most people...

I guess I see it a little different though. If I hurt someone whether it be by accident or by doing something I know full well will cause damage to them... I feel guilty. I have come to realize that even when a relationship ends with someone I truly loved and cared for that I always hold a special place for them in my heart. I am one of those who beats myself up for my mistakes and can't forgive myself until I have made things right with that person. There is only one person I have ever dated (excluding recent circumstances) or been in a relationship with that I am not friends with or haven't made things right with whether the break up was my fault or there's. And trust me he was one that I'm okay with never making it right...

I have learned that in forgiving yourself you must forgive the other person first. I will say that right now my heart is working on forgiveness for someone I love and care deeply about but couldn't stay with because the emotional roller coaster was too much for my heart. I do know that I have already started to forgive even though it's still so fresh and my heart is still aching... But this forgiveness is not for him... It is for me. So that I can heal and release him from my heart. My heart knows it should never expect to hear an "I'm sorry" or and explanation as to why things happened the way they did but it really would be nice to know that our love culture hasn't drifted so far that we can't still care about another's broken heart....

When did we as a society start acting as though hurting another was okay? When did loving someone become so easy that making them feel like a break up was just "easy come easy go?

HOW TO NOT BE AN ASSHOLE 101

HOW TO NOT BE AN ASSHOLE 101

I'm sure I will get criticized for this post but there are quite a few men that should REALLY read it. I'm not saying there aren't women that are assholes but I would rather talk about the men right now. You would think it would be easy or at least common knowledge to not be an asshole but it's obviously very hard for some people.  So here are a few easy steps to avoid assholism....

• Don't mess with other peoples feelings. Meaning if you truly don't care for someone don't keep them on the line just so you can cast and reel them in when it suits you.
• Tell the truth. No matter how much the truth hurts it's never as bad as finding out you've been lied to repeatedly.
• Don't make lame excuses. If you don't want to spend time with someone then don't make plans with them. Be a man and tell that person you'd rather be doing something else rather than making lame excuses that "something" came up. After the first time a woman will know you're just a coward.
• If you're not ready to be in a relationship then DON'T say and do relationship things.
• DO NOT compare or constantly talk about your ex or exes to the person you are dating. They truly don't want to hear about the things you used to do. If you haven't moved on enough to be okay with your past then you have no business dating.
• If you're dating someone and you've told them they are the only person you're dating be smart and don't flirt with other women on social media, texting, or in public. There's an extremely good chance that the woman you're dating will find out one way or another.
• Don't talk about yourself nonstop. There is nothing more annoying than a man who always turns the conversation to himself.
• And last but not least don't tell the person you're dating that you can't go on vacation with them and then invite another woman to go on a trip with you.... Ya a definite sign of a true asshole.

It's really not that difficult to be a good person so it makes me wonder if some people are just born this way or if it is a learned thing. Instead of playing games and hurting people, why not just be an honest, kind person?

As you can tell I've dated my share of assholes. For some reason attract them... and I haven't quite figured out why. But here's what I do know.... There is NO good reason to lie to someone who cares about you. There is NO good reason to play with anyone's feelings and emotions. There is NO good reason to date someone if you can't make them a priority in your life. There is NO good reason to make someone feel as though they just don't matter. If you have to treat people like this.... you should really get some therapy for your assholism!

LOSING TRACK OF YOUR GOALS AND DREAMS

LOSING TRACK OF YOUR GOALS AND DREAMS

Do you ever find yourself so busy with life that it takes a few months to realize you've lost track of all the things that are usually so important to you? Well that's where I'm at right now...

I'm one of those people who loves being extremely busy, it's when I truly shine. Lately I've found myself lost and not fulfilling any of my goals and dreams. Whether it be going to the gym, hiking, photography, painting, and remodeling... I've found myself not doing any of it. Why? Have I lost my drive? No... but I seem to always let "things" sidetrack me and I get out of my groove, and I don't realize it until I'm completely lost.

Last week was quite emotional for me for a few different reasons, but it made me realize I was so busy "doing" for everyone else that I had lost what made me who I am. I'm one of those people who has always loved to workout and I know that it calms me mentally, but also makes me mentally stronger. I have always loved taking pictures but I found myself selling my camera because I had stopped using it. I had stopped doing everything that made ME who I am.... the strong, independent, loves adventure, fun loving woman that I had worked so hard to be.

So I grabbed my dog, packed my bags, and jumped in the car, it was time for a road trip. Time to just drive with the music loud so I could clear my head and get back to ME. ME the person who always drops everything for everyone else, who drives 3 hours just to spend time with people who are special to me, who will put everything aside just to help a friend or someone I love.... ME who loses track of her goals and dreams because I focus so much on other people.

I  know it sounds selfish but you can't be selfless all of the time without taking care of yourself too. One of the biggest lessons I've learned! Soooo now it's back to taking time for me.... back to the gym, back to weekly hikes, and back to making myself happy so that I can make others happy too.

FINDING YOUR WAY BY GETTING LOST FIRST

FINDING YOUR WAY BY GETTING LOST FIRST

Let me tell you about the adventure in getting lost I had yesterday.... and just where I ended up. The last two months have been pretty chaotic for me, lots of life changes and decisions to make. I've gotten down but have done pretty good of pulling myself back up with the help of some amazing friends and family.

I had been dating a man for the last six months. He was different from anyone I had ever dated before, and he caught my attention from the first date. He was fun, knew how to make me smile, was the perfect gentlemen, and knew exactly what to say. At first I was scared.... I had just healed my broken heart but I made the promise to myself that I was going to give this my all and not hide from the feelings I was having.

Well after six months of questions and never feeling quite like I was ever going to get the effort back that I had put in to this "relationship"..... ignoring quite a few red flags along the way..... ignoring when my friends and family told me I was being played..... and ignoring what my heart didn't want to hear I had to walk away. The final straw which was right up in my face with no way to deny it was seeing a bunch of comments from several different women on some of his social media posts.... comments that for sure said "my guy" was talking to them a lot, dating them, and who knows what else. I felt like someone had just put a knife through my heart right out there in front of the world. How did this happen to me again??? I finally had to send that message that I was done.... and funny there was no response.... a little salt added to the wound for sure.

I left for Wyoming the next morning to see one of my best friends. I hadn't slept well for previous two nights but I had to get away. I was so distracted and lost in my own thoughts inside my head trying to figure out what had happened and why, that I missed seeing some black ice almost slid off the mountainside. At the last second "someone" made my car slide the other direction and in to the snow bank on the other side of the road. You would think that I would have realized what I was being told then but no... I was too sad, mad, and upset to see it yet. I spent the day and that night  with my friend. We talked a little about what was bothering me but we were so busy getting an event ready for her work that it still hadn't been resolved in my head or heart.

I woke up yesterday morning bright and early telling myself I would make great time home and be able to get a lot done.... Well someone else had a different plan for me.

I had driven home from her house quite a few times and never been lost before, but that morning my emotions got the best of me. By the time I made it to the freeway entrance I was a mess. All of the tears that I had been holding inside trying to be that "tough girl that wasn't going to let a man hurt me again" came rushing out. I remember seeing the signs that said I80 EAST and WEST and I thought I got on the right one so away I went crying and being so mad at myself for allowing this to happen. WHY hadn't I paid attention to the red flags? Why hadn't I listened to my friends when they pointed out that things just weren't adding up? And WHY hadn't I listened to the big guy upstairs when he tried showing me that even though I thought this was the right road for me... it was not.

This road trip which should have taken me 2 hours turned in to a 6 hour drive.... you see "sometimes you have to get lost, go down the wrong road that at the time you think is right, before you discover it's wrong.... Turn it around and head the right direction." That was a text that my friend sent me after my journey. And it's SO true!!! I dove 194 miles in the wrong direction before I realized there was something wrong, and then I turned around and drove 291 back in the right direction.

What did I learn from that?? Well first off I tend to get to over analyze problems in my head, I try to not let them out because I don't want to look weak, and then like this the emotion takes over and I have no choice but to deal with it. But most important if we pay attention God will always lead us in the direction we need to be going. He may allow us to get lost first but that's when he knows we will fully turn it over to him and allow him to lead us in the direction we were meant to go.

It's funny because during all of this mess the last two days the song "Jesus take the wheel" was stuck in my head. I guess you could say this was another lesson in faith, giving up control, and trusting in God 100% and knowing he will never let us be so lost that we can't find our way home.

SERIAL DATERS

SERIAL DATERS

I read a quote this morning that hit so close to home it was scary. It's something I have told my friends and even people I've dated in the past "I don't date without a purpose. I don't date just to occupy my time. Being in a relationship won't heal you and being single won't kill you."

I have had so many people ask me over the years why I won't date a few different men at the same time until I find the "right one". This "idea" has never made any sense to me. First off I have never been a woman that "needed" or couldn't live my life without a man. My momma must have raised me a little too independent because I know without a doubt that I can make it on my own. Now this doesn't mean I don't WANT someone to love me and spend my time with, but there's a difference. Needing and wanting are two completely different things and a lot of people don't seem to understand that.

I have met a few men (and women) who think it's "okay" to date several people at the same time with no commitment, filling there time with multiple women until someone "better" comes along. THIS is sad to me. Are other peoples feelings really not a big deal when you're dating? Is it really okay to mess with someone's emotions for weeks or months at a time, and the just toss them aside when something shinier comes along? Is the fear of being single so scary that we just don't care who we hurt? I've been told that "this is just how the world works" and on that I call bullsh*t! That is how some people CHOOSE to act towards others.

Maybe I'm just old fashioned but for me to date even just once, I have to feel a connection. I don't date without purpose. I am happy with myself and I enjoy my own company and the company of my friends. I don't need several random men in my life taking up my time when I have no REAL connection with them. I have a bigger journey that I would love to have someone take with me but I won't just settle for anyone. In fact the idea of several men texting or calling me every day makes me actually cringe. I don't have nor do I want to have time for that.

Will I find this Mr. Right without internet dating and dating every man that asks me out?? I have a strong enough faith in the big guy upstairs to know that when the right guy comes along he will show me the way. I've met and dated SO many Mr. Wrongs, Mr. Serial Daters, Mr. Narcissists, and Mr. Selfish/Self Centered that I'm REALLY very good with sticking to my heart and dating only one person at a time. 

I think the saddest part of all of this serial dating to me is that are these people so insecure and afraid of commitment that instead of giving their all to one special person they will risk losing them for the satisfaction of the attention they get from several other women? Once again this makes no sense to me.... and that is why I date with a purpose.

VULNERABILITY

VULNERABILITY

Vulnerability... just a word, right? Not in my case... being vulnerable and opening myself up to hurt or failure is one of the scariest things for me.

I've always been told how strong I am. That my self confidence shows in the way I carry myself. I tend to just look at people when they say these things with "if you only knew" going through my head. What a lot of people don't know is that is my way of protecting myself and not allowing people to hurt me. Being vulnerable and putting myself out there to potentially get hurt is one of the hardest lessons I am learning.

For quite a few years I have been mastering the art of building walls to keep people out so there was no chance that they could hurt me. Trying to control every situation just to make sure I was never allowing myself to be put in a situation where I would have to be vulnerable. Walking away from potential relationships and people at the first sign of a red flag. I was just at a point in my life where I had finally healed from my past and I wasn't willing to allow anyone to take me back to that hurt. I'm sure I walked away from some wonderful people and experiences while adding bricks to my wall but it was how I felt I needed to survive and make myself stronger.

Did my wall always protect me? No... I'm still human.

After a really bad marriage/divorce from a man that took me to what I thought was my lowest point of no self esteem I vowed to stay away from men forever! HA! I did a great job for about 7 years... I refused to really date and filled my life with my kids activities, the gym, having fun with my friends, and healing my heart. It wasn't difficult at that time because my wall was strong and I even joked that I had reinforced it with two layers of drywall and a door with 12 deadbolts. In all reality I was still so hurt and scared of ever feeling that way again. And then we BOOM it not only happened again but worse than before, which I never thought could happen. I could not believe I had allowed myself to open up and be vulnerable once again. What was I thinking????

I bounced back a lot faster after that and here is why. After a lot of prayer, tears, and trying to instantly put that wall back up, I finally realized that I this was a lesson that I needed to learn in vulnerability/ control/ and patience. Yes I have like to be in control of my life. Patience is not something I have because I tend to just handle things myself if they aren't being handled fast enough. And last... I spent so many years trying so hard to not be vulnerable that I was excluding some pretty amazing experiences and people from my life.

Here is what I have learned in the past year from making the conscious decision to be vulnerable no matter what the outcome is.

• People are going to hurt us no matter how hard we try to give our all. It's how we react and bounce back that really matters.
• Being happy is more important than being miserable and adding continuous bricks to our walls.
• Prayer helps me to handle each situation better than the last and allows me to grow.
• Learning to be happy with myself has made it easier to walk through the fire of hurt and come out the other side with my head held high.

A few months ago my brother gave me a CD of Brene Brown "The Power of Vulnerability". I listened to it a few times while driving and it hit home hard! Why was I holding myself back because of other peoples actions?? Just another lesson I need to learn...

I have continued to put myself out there and be vulnerable even when it's uncomfortable for me. As bad as I hate the D word (date) I started to do it again. Has it been perfect and free from hurt? NO... and there are moments when I want to turn and run to hide behind my wall, but I haven't. I'm lucky to have a couple of very good friends that know me well enough to know when I'm headed in that direction and "talk me off the ledge". Do I enjoy vulnerability? I honestly can't day that I do and I'm not sure if I ever will but I do know that we can't go any further in life if we are always hiding behind a brick wall of safety.