Vulnerability... just a word, right? Not in my case... being vulnerable and opening myself up to hurt or failure is one of the scariest things for me.
For quite a few years I have been mastering the art of building walls to keep people out so there was no chance that they could hurt me. Trying to control every situation just to make sure I was never allowing myself to be put in a situation where I would have to be vulnerable. Walking away from potential relationships and people at the first sign of a red flag. I was just at a point in my life where I had finally healed from my past and I wasn't willing to allow anyone to take me back to that hurt. I'm sure I walked away from some wonderful people and experiences while adding bricks to my wall but it was how I felt I needed to survive and make myself stronger.
Did my wall always protect me? No... I'm still human.
After a really bad marriage/divorce from a man that took me to what I thought was my lowest point of no self esteem I vowed to stay away from men forever! HA! I did a great job for about 7 years... I refused to really date and filled my life with my kids activities, the gym, having fun with my friends, and healing my heart. It wasn't difficult at that time because my wall was strong and I even joked that I had reinforced it with two layers of drywall and a door with 12 deadbolts. In all reality I was still so hurt and scared of ever feeling that way again. And then we BOOM it not only happened again but worse than before, which I never thought could happen. I could not believe I had allowed myself to open up and be vulnerable once again. What was I thinking????
I bounced back a lot faster after that and here is why. After a lot of prayer, tears, and trying to instantly put that wall back up, I finally realized that I this was a lesson that I needed to learn in vulnerability/ control/ and patience. Yes I have like to be in control of my life. Patience is not something I have because I tend to just handle things myself if they aren't being handled fast enough. And last... I spent so many years trying so hard to not be vulnerable that I was excluding some pretty amazing experiences and people from my life.
Here is what I have learned in the past year from making the conscious decision to be vulnerable no matter what the outcome is.
- People are going to hurt us no matter how hard we try to give our all. It's how we react and bounce back that really matters.
- Being happy is more important than being miserable and adding continuous bricks to our walls.
- Prayer helps me to handle each situation better than the last and allows me to grow.
- Learning to be happy with myself has made it easier to walk through the fire of hurt and come out the other side with my head held high.
A few months ago my brother gave me a CD of Brene Brown "The Power of Vulnerability". I listened to it a few times while driving and it hit home hard! Why was I holding myself back because of other peoples actions?? Just another lesson I need to learn...
I have continued to put myself out there and be vulnerable even when it's uncomfortable for me. As bad as I hate the D word (date) I started to do it again. Has it been perfect and free from hurt? NO... and there are moments when I want to turn and run to hide behind my wall, but I haven't. I'm lucky to have a couple of very good friends that know me well enough to know when I'm headed in that direction and "talk me off the ledge". Do I enjoy vulnerability? I honestly can't day that I do and I'm not sure if I ever will but I do know that we can't go any further in life if we are always hiding behind a brick wall of safety.
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