Over the past 10 years I have been called a "man hater" at least a thousand times. There are times when I laughed it off and of course had a sarcastic response and there were times when I gave this certain "look" I have perfected over the years and then went in to all of the reasons WHY I should and could hate men.
I won't lie I have made some extremely BAD decisions when it comes to a few of the men in my past. I always like the "bad boys" the guys who were a challenge for me, that were exciting, and a wild. I always thought I could change them or make them love me so much that they would want to be a better person. HA! I'm sure everyone who reads this will get a good laugh over that but what can I say I was young and thought I could fix anything and anyone. Butt here is what I have learned from all of that even though at times I am still labeled as a "man hater" ....
There are some lessons we learn in life that we keep learning over and over until the big guy upstairs can see that we have finally REALLY learned and gotten it right. Have I learned this relationship lesson yet?? Only time will tell... I think I have but I also know that it's not up to me to decide.
Putting up walls doesn't only protect you from getting hurt but it also blocks out some amazing people that you will miss out on if you don't take s few bricks down and let them in. This is a really hard one for me. After two marriages (okay 3 but 2 were to the same man... ugh!!) with men who had issues with addiction, were extremely volatile, and also had infidelity problems, I put up not only a brick wall but I framed and dry walled over the top of it to try and prevent any more hurt coming my way. I left that wall up for over 7 years!! I told myself I could not go through another heart break or have another man be unfaithful to me. Was I a loving and happy person through this time... Not for the bigger part of it. I was bitter, resentful, and in fact did hate the men who had hurt me. I put on this "tough no one can tough me" facade and hated myself for allowing them to ever hurt me. Why did I ignore the red flags? How did I not see what they REALLY were? I was a smart girl and I knew better BUT I now know it was a lesson I had to learn.
About 2/12 years ago when I moved to a new city and started over I met a man that shot me red flags from the first coffee date I had with him. He didn't look like the type I usually went for and I wasn't really even attracted to him, but he was definitely a bad boy and made things quite exciting. And I learned quickly that I obviously had not learned the lesson God needed me to learn. By the time this was over I had not only feared him but other people feared for my safety because of him.
It was finally at this point that I realized what it was that I was supposed to be learning and my older brother was the person who helped me recognize it. One night when I called him upset and crying because I didn't understand what was wrong with me and why I kept attracting these types of men he simply said to me "Instead of feeling like you have to find someone who you think is at your level and fix them, why don't you try finding someone who you feel makes you want to be a better person and let them lift you up to their level?" WHAT?!?! No one had ever said this to me before and it got me thinking...
My point to all of this and labeling is.... Am I a man hater?? Definitely NOT! In fact I have finally been able to open myself up again, be vulnerable (even though it scares the HELL out of me), and learn to trust again. It's not that I ever hated men but I hated, didn't understand why, and felt stupid for allowing the things that happened in my past relationships to happen.
During all of this I also learned a lot about myself and the part I played in the things that happened, and once I took responsibility for my part and was able to forgive myself and also them.... it was funny how fast my demeanor and happiness changed.
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