We've all been in the position where we've had to release toxic situations from our lives i.e. jobs, relationships, friendships, and even family, but have you ever noticed that the way we choose to react to these situations really lays out how we feel during the process? If we're always fighting that change instead of embracing it and allowing ourselves to take the time to reflect, and the time off by letting go of what is wrong in our lives, can we ever really learn from the situation and find peace in it?
I know personally I used to fight these changes tooth and nail in my life, because I was afraid of not only feeling like a failure, but also that I was losing someone or something that had been so important in my life. It's taken a lot of hard lessons and coming to realize that if we trust in God to provide us with what he knows is best in our lives how can we go wrong?
I've gone through a few different situations like these recently in my life and when I look back and see how I handled them and how I felt after the situation was over.... it was only then that I realized how toxic not only those situations can make my life but also my way of handling them.
I was in an extremely toxic relationship a few years ago with a man that turned out to be very dangerous. I knew this was not a good situation from the start but he was fun, exciting, mysterious, and why not give it a try.... so I ignored all of the red flags and jumped in with both feet. BIG MISTAKE! The relationship really only lasted about 4 months but the repercussions and the harassment continued for another year. When I was finally able to step back from this situation and take the time to reflect it was almost like I could feel the toxins from this man releasing from my heart, body, and soul. It took me a year and a half to get back to the point where I felt as though I could step back in to this "world" and allow people back in to my life. During this time I found myself again... I grew spiritually and I made the conscious effort to take care of me. After such a long period of carrying this toxic person and his negative control over my life with me I was finally free and healthy again, and I embraced it.
I recently left a job that I loved doing but didn't love the majority of the people I worked with. It was really weird to me that I wasn't upset or distraught but was actually relieved to not ever have to go back there again. These people had made me dread going to work every morning, and I could feel it sliding in to my personal life as well. I found myself becoming resentful, bitter, and so negative that I was at a point where I really didn't like myself. The day I left that job I felt almost like I was in a fog. The people around me couldn't really understand why I wasn't "freaking out" or completely upset... how could I be so calm?? Well I embraced it.... it was a blessing in disguise, one that I didn't expect but one that I was going to run with and release all of the toxicity that it brought to my life.
I'm learning to do this in most of the situations in life... it's not always easy but I'm finding that if I take the time to reflect by pulling myself completely out of the situation, taking time off, and letting go of what is right or wrong... there is a calmness about the decision I have made that makes me sure of what I am doing.
Shortly after the loss of my job I found myself struggling with a "relationship" that I felt like I had put so much in to and it fell apart right before my eyes. I was devastated.... heart broken.... trying so hard to figure out what had happened, and why I had allowed myself to put so much in just to be hurt again. I was lost... so lost that in two consecutive days I ignored signs that I needed to release this and take the time to reflect. I left and went to my friends house in Wyoming, on the drive up my mind was going non stop trying to figure it all out... I missed some black ice, did a complete 360, almost slid of the side of the mountain, and at the last second the car turned and I slid to the other side and in to a snow bank. I didn't take the time to stop and reflect... I was trying to just keep myself busy. The next morning I left Wyoming and was headed back to Utah, I had made this drive several times and knew the way.... but once again my mind was going non stop about what I could have done differently and "WHY" my feelings were so easy to just ignore and be tossed to the side. I ended up getting on the wrong entrance to the freeway and heading in the completely wrong direction. I never even realized that I was going the wrong way until I was 3 hours in to the drive and it finally clicked that I should be home by now. And that was when I lost it... Every emotion that I had been trying to hold back came to a head, and I knew it was time to remove myself, take time off to reflect, and let go of what was wrong. I made a distraught call to my brother and poured out all of this emotion and hurt I had been holding on to and I made the choice that I was packing up my car and I was getting away for a while. And three days later that is exactly what I did....
As hard as this situation was for me at that time, I knew that for me to be able to embrace it was time to stop fighting what I had known for a while and chose to ignore. And that was when I realized how many times in my life I had chosen to ignore the signs in so many different aspects and relationships in my life.
So I drove to AZ and I learned how to embrace the situation... I once again found myself... and I wondered how I had allowed myself to get lost again. I spent time with family and I spent time alone hiking and clearing the toxic energies from my head, heart, and soul... and I embraced the change that life had once again brought me. Did all of those hurt feelings just go away in that two week period that I escaped to reflect on the past and that situation? No... in fact they still come up but not as often as before. Embracing this situation and all of the others in my life that could have potentially taken me to a very low point did something that I never expected.... it helped me to FORGIVE. Forgive those who had hurt me. Forgive myself for allowing and/or ignoring the signs. Not very many people understand how I have been able to forgive some of the people in my life as fast as I have, but the thing I have learned through building a strong relationship with God is... forgiving not only releases ME from the hurt, but it also helps those who have done the hurting.
Why would we want to continue to carry all of that hurt and emotion with us through the rest of our journey??? There just comes a time when instead of fighting what life hands us we have to learn to embrace and find what is right for us by letting go of what is wrong. And sometimes it takes a big scare and getting lost to help us find our way....
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