It's Different for Girls

It's Different for Girls

There's a difference in how men and women handle a break-up, a heart break, broken trust, and the process of letting go. I'm not saying ALL men react the same but in general the reaction and the coping process are different. 

I recently was talking to/getting to really know a man that I have known for years. This guy has tried for a very long time to "date" me. It's been and off and on "goal" of his for a few years. I recently realized it was more of a "quest to concur" than a said "goal". 

I admittedly was scared, skeptical, and held back a lot for the first while, to protect myself. It seemed that this man had a sort of pattern and my gut was telling me that the only thing that would come out of this is hurt.... and I didn't listen as well as I should have. 

We started talking on a very regular basis and I was finally opening up about some very personal things and trying so hard to trust this man. I trusted him with some very dark periods in my recent past and felt like we had really started to form a bond and maybe I could trust him. And then the "slap in the face" that I had ignored from the beginning came one night while on the phone. We were having a very deep conversation on the phone about what the next steps were going to be and what we both wanted to see happen.... I let my guard down and told him my feelings. Told him I cared and was ready to try and make it work. Almost instantaneously I could see and feel that "slap in the face" happening.... he started to back step saying he didn't think it would work because we lived a few hours apart and he had tried that before... WHAT?!

Is this not something he thought about for the years, months, and days leading up to this point?? Why would he pursue me for so long to just say "never mind" the minute I said let's go for it? I was stunned and confused! And I shutdown and walked away.....

I was HURT! I was CONFUSED! I was PISSED! And I was SAD....

In the days and weeks that followed I heard this song.... it hit home. 

I started scrolling through FB a few weeks after this all went down and noticed (I'm a damn good investigator) the normal patterns you see on social media when a new relationship has began.... Yep he had another one on the line and that was when it all started to hit that I had only been a quest that he intended to concur. 

How had I fallen for this game? How could he already have someone else? And then the cloud in my brain started to clear and ALL of the patterns I had known about and had ignored concerning this man came flooding back.... I'm not saying he's a bad guy, though I have definitely called him a few choice names to my friends and in my own head a few times) but what kind of guy purposely messes with a woman's head the way he did? This is something I will never understand....

The only conclusion I can come up with is It's Different for Girls.... Men and women deal with these situations differently. 

Strong and Insecure in the same mix?

We all know that person that won't hold on to toxic friendships. Won't settle for men that treat her disrespectfully. She has high standards and won't let anything remain in her life that brings her down. 

We think she's SO strong and hard that we even label her as cold-hearted at times.... but if we were REALLY to get to know her we would see how insecure she is. 

No one sees how terrified she is. No one notices that she struggles every day to stay strong.

She's the woman that looks like she has it all together, so no one thinks she needs any reminders of how beautiful or talented she is. You stay quiet while she is silently screaming inside for some encouragement, to be told that she's doing her best and that her best IS good enough. 

She may seem like a superhero, but she's still human. She needs her friends. She needs support. She needs the reminder that no one is perfect and the insecurities she feels inside don't make her less of a person. They make her REAL. 

She's very selective of who she allows in her life, so if you're in her life you matter. 

She tries to make everyone happy, but that's impossible to do. She wants her family to be proud of her. She tries to make sure her friends are happy and cheer them up when they're down. She tries to make her partner happy and buy and do all of the "perfect" things for him. 

And it all drains her.... She feels responsible to take care of everyone else.... but some days just taking care of herself is hard enough. She finds the strength to make it through the day and rarely tells others exactly how long her day is or the struggle it is to just make it through.

She isn't the type to give up. She's a fixer. She's a giver. She's an achiever. 

Even though her insecurities slow her down at times, they never stop her. She fights off the annoying voices in her head that tell her she's stupid, not enough, ugly, or doesn't have enough experience. 

She does what she sets out to do... even when she's unsure if she will succeed.  

How can you blame her for being insecure when she has such high standards for herself? She never feels as though she's done enough. She's her worst critic but she's also her strongest attribute because she won't allow herself to fail. She knows what she wants and she won't stop until it's a reality. 

Twists and Turns

It's been a while since I've blogged... there have been a few twists and turns, as I like to call them, in my life in the past few months so todays post may jump around a bit so I can get them all out. I've learned that writing down the things that bother me or that I can't seem to get out of my head works as an amazing release, so here goes...

I have been doing a lot of healing over the past two months.... not really in a physical sense but it has helped my physical body. A lot of people don't understand how much damage holding on to hurt, stress, and anger can affect the physical body. For the past few years I have ignored twinges of pain in my chest and issues with my stomach.... I always just pushed through them and told myself it was a part of getting older.... I never claimed to be smart but I'm definitely stubborn.

About two months ago I came home.... home meaning to a family that truly knows my heart and feeds my soul. For months I had been searching for where I belonged in this crazy world and the moment I walked in to their open arms I knew I was where I belonged. You see I had been struggling with my religious beliefs, my self worth, and beating myself up for my past..... and they brought me back to the place my soul had been yearning to be for the last few years... the place where I don't question every "rule" or belief, the place where my soul vibrates on a higher level, the place where my heart feels lighter and people notice a "glow" on my face and in my eyes, the place where my heart has finally began to heal from the past... the place where my soul can grow and be who I really am.

I've caught a lot of slack from people lately over making the decision to back away from organized religion, but the funny part is not one of these people has asked "why" I made the decision or even noticed how much happier I am since. I've heard negative comments about things being easier when there are no rules and nothing really to grasp on to but never asking for a explanation or reason as to why this was the choice for me. I'm not going to go in to full detail here because very few people are open enough to understand the path I've chosen, but here goes... Just because I chose not to be apart of any organized religion doesn't mean I'm doing anything "bad", in fact I feel as though I've become stronger in my relationship with God because I've been working so hard to heal my heart and soul from the hurts I've been holding on to. It doesn't mean I've gone back to my days of dating bad boys and partying... in fact it has made me stronger in my belief that putting those toxins in my body is not something I want to do and I don't need a rule to tell me that. It's shown me that healing myself is what will make me stronger, open my heart back up, and not only heal the important relationships in my life but actually make me want to allow more people in.

I'm not here "bashing" on any organized religion by any means I don't judge people by their beliefs because for one it's not my business and two I love people for who they are and not what they believe. Everyone has to make a choice in their own life of what works for them.

I started having crystal therapy done a few months ago and was told that my heart looked like it was broken in many different pieces that were held together by tape, like every time it was hurt again I would just throw another piece of tape on it to hold those pieces in and hope that it still worked. Hearing what I had felt for so long was an extremely emotional moment for me.... but it was so true.

 I started working on releasing all of those hurts one piece of tape at a time through prayer and meditation, people who truly know me and have spent time with me can see the healing that has been done so far in the glow on my face and in my eyes. Even the people who don't know that I have been working on this have commented on how much happier I seem and I'm back to who I was, where they are confused is I'm not back to where I was but finding my way back to the path where I belong. The path that not only feeds my soul but has healed my heart and mind. The path that has helped me calm my mind without meds for ADD or anxiety... the healthy path.

During this time I also have learned to love myself again. For a while there I was not setting healthy boundaries with people and I was allowing their actions to hurt me and not make myself a priority. Some people think I'm a little harsh when I cut people out of my life and I admit in the past it was cut and dry, you either brought something to the table or you were gone. I've become a little softer but had to find a balance and set some boundaries lately and its been rough. I'm one of those people who cares deeply and even when someone has hurt me they still hold a place in my heart. I've learned recently that I can still care but that I need to set boundaries and make myself a priority and not people who I will never be a priority to.

Some people don't seem to understand that I'm working on me and striving to be a stronger, more vibrant person, who's soul vibrates on a higher level. Meaning I won't allow the negativity in, I have no time for drama and games, and as much as I really don't like being alone (hard to admit for me) I will be alone until I have healed myself and become the person I want to be.... the person I am meant to be, and until I come across that person who accepts me for who I am and wants to help make life better with me and not for me.

So those of you who are continuing this journey with me know that there are going to be ups and downs... we are all going to fall and get back up... but the best part about these twist and turns.... It will be worth it!!

Thw Awakening that Started to Happen Around 40....

 

 

 

There is something magical that seems to start happening around the age of 40... it's like we begin to wake up and look at the world in a new way.

 

For me, my children were rather independent and I had only one left at home, but I realized that even he was ready to venture out a little further than ever before from my rules and ideals. Both were ready to take on and conquer the world..... much like I was at their age.

 

It was shortly after I turned 40 that I began to realize that their was more to life than what I had always known.... piles of laundry, being the taxi, scheduling our lives around baseball games and school events. I had spent my whole adult life trying to give myself to something outside myself. Spending my time and energy on others, trying to prove my existence, and forgetting about myself along the way.... because that's what we're supposed to do, right?

 

So we give. We give more than we realize....

 

And then what seems like all of a sudden, which in my case it was, the piles of dishes diminish. Cooking for myself and a hungry teenage boy turned in to cooking for me. Having to schedule every minute of our week around baseball practice, games, and lessons with trainers turned into not knowing what to do with myself for the 5 hours after work before I went to bed. And you realize that you have been giving to everyone but yourself.

 

That magic day comes when we look around and there are no toys to pick up and you realize with a tear in your eye and sadness in your heart, that you are only responsible for yourself.

 

Now who do I give myself to? What do I do with all of this free time?

 

 

And then I was forced to look inward. I started to wonder what my passions were and what interests I might have. And I took some time for things that I enjoyed during the years when my children were young, but more to escape the craziness of being a single parent than real passions that made my heart sing.

 

I asked myself the question, what do I do now? All of a sudden I can do anything I want to do without worrying about laundry, kids schedules, and making dinner.... and I was perplexed.

 

Who am I? What drives ME? What makes MY heart smile? All of these questions suddenly came flooding through my head over, and over....

 

I was suddenly driven to find these answers. I had these conversations with my friends. I searched for somewhere that I would now belong. I was scared at just how strong this desire to find me had become... and yet I truly had no clue what my passions were. And that was when I started my awakening...

 

At first I referred to this as a crisis and not an awakening. People on the outside acted as if I was in the middle of some sort of mid-life crisis rather than an awakening.

 

A crisis is defined as an unstable or even dangerous situation... and I felt unsteady in a world that I knew so well, a world where I had all of the rules and schedules figured out. And then overnight that all changed... I started experiencing these strange sensations. I became aware and recognized that something was stirring inside of me.... Something real and deep inside of me.

 

I could feel my muscles flexing their muscles. Reaching up and out. Screaming at me to be heard as if I was waking u from a deep sleep I didn't know I had been in. I could feel my desires and passion stretching like they had been asleep or locked away for centuries.

 

I'm not sure if 40 is the age when we finally realize that we are an important part of society, not to leave a mark or belong, but to discover what gifts we as a person have to offer. It's like I found a softer way to let society know that I had something to offer..... ME.

 

I no longer have the feeling to manage schedules, instead I grab my pack and head off on a mountain trail or take a meditation class, not to escape but for the pure enjoyment.

 

Waking up to who we really are.... What is truly important in our life.... and not only recognizing and appreciating what we have....

 

 

 

 

Releasing the Past....

I've always been one to forgive quickly so I didn't have to carry someone else's baggage with me, but until recently I still held on to the incident or incidents because I wanted to make sure I didn't allow them to happen again. I recently learned that holding on to even the thought of these past hurts, abandonments, heart breaks, and labels WAS still holding me back and not allowing my heart to heal fully.

It's like every time something would happen I would just add another piece of tape to hold that broken piece of my heart together with the rest.... but how can your heart even work if it is masked in so many pieces of tape? After so many years of bottling up all of these feelings my heart has to look like a big jumbled mess of tape and broken pieces.

I'm not sure how many of you believe or even understand my beliefs in Crystal therapy, meditation, past life regressions, energy work, and the alignment and healing of your chakras, but it's a path I strayed from for a few years to learn some life lessons, and thankfully I have found my way back.

When you have any kind of energy work done, whether it be crystal therapy or Reiki, you are able to understand and recognize what bottling up and holding on to negative emotions and past hurts can actually do to your body. And even though this isn't something I would usually share, maybe someone will learn or get something out of my experience.

I have been struggling for quite a while now with my self esteem and self worth being at the lowest point it has ever been at... no I never had a thought of hurting myself but did have thoughts that if I were to disappear off a cliff that no one would even notice. I have never been that person... but after a rough couple of years, some really hard life lessons, my life as I knew it changing and having to find WHO I really was as a person and not as a mother, friend, or sister I was derailed.

Right about the time when I realized how bad I was struggling, I was called home, some of you will understand this, others not so much. Everyone has a soul group, and I had drifted away from mine almost 4 years ago... and now I was home. You see, everyone strays from time to time, they take a different path and learn lessons that they as an individual need to learn to complete the path they chose to follow before they came in to this lifetime. As hard as it is there are times when we have to go it alone to really learn or see where we truly want to be.

I knew that I was struggling but I have never been one to truly open up 100% to anyone and tell them everything, I have always bottled it up inside and internalized it... Not good! I was blessed the other day to be able to have crystal therapy done by my sister/friend/family member.... this is a form of alternative spiritual energy therapy and if you haven't ever tried it I truly recommend it. I have NEVER been skeptical of the power of this work, because I have seen it help and I have also been apart of other energy work and healing.

This is where I learned that the holding on to the past hurts, even though I had forgiven the person who had hurt me, was not only damaging my insides but also causing chaos and blocking my chakras. My whole makeup was a mess! During this therapy I laid there and listened to everything I had never told anyone be verbalized.... if you want to talk about emotions going in to overdrive that is exactly what was happening. All of my insecurities that had manifested from something someone had said to me, labels that were thrown at me, heart breaks from people I had loved, and even some from how I took things wrong from how I thought others felt about me. ALL of these hurts just taped and held back in to place so my heart could still semi function.... How was I ever supposed to move on and grow with all of this still sitting inside of me?

And that is when I learned another lesson.... Forgive and Forget. There is no need to hold on to those hurts, if I have truly learned the lesson I was supposed to from those past incidents letting them go and forgetting about them wouldn't make me have to go through them again, but the total opposite! Releasing those past hurts, labels, abandonments, and heart breaks and giving them to God so that I don't have them destroying me or holding me back. How am I going to do all of that? That's a lot of years to just let go of!

Well I've already started the process... through the crystal therapy, meditation, and prayer. I have felt energy working inside my body before, but I have never felt the energy like I did while having this therapy done. And I feel as though the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. The pain in my right shoulder, hips, and lower back is nothing like it has been for the past few months. Moving the stuck energy and learning that releasing all of the past garbage has done wonders for my physical body but also for my soul!

I'm on my way and event though I still have questions and I'm not sure where I will end up... I know that following this spiritual path will definitely get me there.

Dear Miss Independent...

 

 

 

 

"I am not a one in a million kind of girl, but a once in a lifetime kind of woman."~ Unknown

 

Dear Miss Independent... I know your secret.

 

I know you wear your independence as a shield to protect and cover yourself because you have been hurt before and you are used to doing everything on your own.

 

So, just like me, you choose independence and you wear it like sexy black heels and your little black dress on a night out! You've always thought you were choosing this independent life, but in reality you are letting it choose you. The truth is, there is no strength in pretending you can do life all on your own.

 

One day you'll see that you don't have to fight this word to make a point. You can put down your sword and shield and enjoy life. I know how it feels to be disappointed, and left alone too many nights to ponder life, love, and just how you got to this place in life where you are now.

 

You have clung to your independence like a child clings to it's mothers skirt... because this seems to be the one thing in life that you can control... the one thing that won't leave you no matter what! But the truth is Miss Independent... just because you CAN do it all on your own... it doesn't mean you really want to or that you have to.

 

As hard as it is... it's okay to admit that you might need someone every once in while... that while you're comfortable in your independence, with your walls up and protected like Fort Knox, it doesn't mean that you're always happy with it.

 

I'm here to tell you that it's okay to let those walls come down... it's okay to cry, let yourself be moved by life, and let it spill out over those gorgeous lashes and wet your cheeks with the reality of what's really going on deep down inside that beautiful soul of yours. You're no less independent if you cry, if you find yourself at the bottom, unsure how to get back on top again. Never doubt that there is beauty in your tears and in being vulnerable... and letting your fear show.

 

 

 

Never let yourself forget that YOU are beautiful and YOU are amazing! You've held your shit together through the darkest nights and the strongest storms. What you don't understand is that no one, who truly knows you, doubts what you're capable of, but sometimes you have to lay it down and admit that you need more. You are independent, you are strong, but that does not also mean that you aren't vulnerable, that your heart doesn't bleed for the desires of your soul, for that one person who will accept and love you for WHO you are.

 

I know that you truly believe that you are the only one you can count on, because you've been disappointed and let down so many times before.... but it's simply not true. You have to crash those damn walls down. Break apart everything you have built around yourself.... because the truth is Miss Independent, you have got your life together. And even though at times you long for someone to take care of you, just once.... you are successful, you've proven that you can fund your own life, and your own dreams.

 

Giving up a bit of your independence sounds like one of the scariest things you have ever heard... relaxing your reigns on your heart and life... and let someone in who has the possibility of destroying you... but you can keep letting your fears of what could go wrong stop you from dreaming about what could go right. I know that your heart breaks because the past has taught you that there is something wrong with you because you seek more than most just settle for. I know that what is deep down in your soul can barely be explained to others, so it terrifies you when someone comes along and challenges the walls you've built up to protect yourself.

 

I also know that what you fear most is also what matters to you the most. You will always have you eyes on the future and your mind in the present. You will always be striving to be better than you were yesterday.... it's just apart of who you are.

 

You don't need a prince on a white horse to come in and save you... we are not damsels in distress, but inside, we are as fragile as they come, there is nothing more beautiful than a woman who has been broken, but keeps on believing in  love... even if we like to pretend that is not the case.

 

You're not any less independent or strong if you let someone share in the weight of the world. In fact, knowing what you need and not being afraid to go after it is the very declaration of sweet independence. The most beautiful, vulnerable thing you can do Miss Independent... is to let yourself be loved.

 

 





When Your Brain Goes Into Overload...

I'm not sure about you but I'm an over thinker... There's something inside of me that has to know, has to play out different scenarios, and has to have data before I can make a big decision. When I have big decisions to make or something that is weighing on my mind and the world and the people around me add their chaos.... this sends my brain into total OVERLOAD and if I don't find a way to calm it my anxiety hits the roof!

For the past few months I've had a few things weighing on my mind, I have felt like I was lost.... my life was completely changing and it scared the hell out of me! I didn't know where I belonged or who I even was anymore. My life had been defined for so many years and all of a sudden every thing I had held on to was gone.... and I was humbled. I know that sounds weird to some of you, but let me explain....

For the first time in my life I have had to completely turn everything over to the Big Guy upstairs... don't get me wrong I rely on him daily, but never in my life have I felt like I just didn't belong and I was just here with no real reason to keep pushing forward. I have always had things I HAD to do to take care of my family, goals to better myself, and dreams I strived to accomplish.... and then within  a 6 month period that all changed. My life took a turn and there I stood alone spinning in circles trying to find just one thing that seemed familiar to me that I could grasp on to bring me back to that comfortable place I knew. Well it didn't happen.... my life and my brain were in complete chaos and I couldn't seem to fix it, and it changed me.... it changed the things I want in life, it changed what I will allow in my life, it changed my view on some of the people in my life, it changed how I look at myself, and it changed my beliefs....

As some of you have read in past blogs I was searching and trying to find a religion that I fit in.... that would accept me with all of my flaws and scars. Now this wasn't the first religion I had studied and been a part of, but I tried really hard to learn, to make the changes I needed to be "worthy", and to find the answers to the questions that were holding me back.... and then someone I have the utmost respect for said something to me that really resonated inside me "If it was right for you, you wouldn't be questioning it. Why do you want to be a part of something you know you can't live? You've been trying to be who everyone else wants or expects you to be for years. Stop trying to fit in. You know more and you know deep down inside this is not who you are." And she was right....

This set me on a new journey, one that had me researching and reading about Tibetan Buddhism. A lot of people don't understand that Buddhism is not a religion, it's a way of life. They do not pray or try to get something from Buddha. Nor do they bow down to Buddha, he is simply a person who has been awakened, nothing more or less. The point of Buddhism is to JUST SEE that is all. It teaches you to live consciously. It teaches that our dissatisfaction originates in us. It offers us a means to experience enlightenment or freedom of mind. Focus on being present rather than insisting what the future must be. It teaches Buddhist precepts not rules like most religions teach. It's a process, an awareness, an openness, a spirit of inquiry- not a belief system, or even a religion as we normally understand it.

Buddhism is not a belief system. It's about examining the world clearly and carefully, about testing everything and every idea. It's about knowing rather than believing or hoping or wishing. It's also about not being afraid to examine anything and everything, including our own personal agendas.

"Don't believe me because you see me as your teacher," he said. "Don't believe me because others do. And don't believe anything because you've read it in a book, either. Don't put your faith in reports, or tradition, or hearsay, or authority of religious leaders or texts. Don't rely on mere logic, or influence, or appearance, or speculation. " Buddha

The message is always examine and SEE for yourself. This is ME.... and when I finally started to allow myself to just be who I am, my brain began to clear. When I started to pray to the Big Guy upstairs with this calmness in my heart and head.... it calmed my soul. When I started to meditate again.... like I used to before I took a different path of learning.... I knew I was home.

There are so many of my beliefs that the majority of the people in my life don't "get" or don't even know about, because when I try to explain people tend to look at me like I'm CRAZY! I've been told I think a lot deeper than most people, that I ask too many questions and I just need to trust and believe, but this isn't me. I've read many books and researched so many different man based religions and I still come back to the same place.... and there I have no questions, just the constant urge inside me to learn more, to live the way I know is right , and to accept and love everyone no matter what their religious beliefs, the color of their skin, or their sexual preference because no matter God will always love them so who am I to judge?

When I started to write this blog post this morning I had no intention to go in to all of this, but as things tend to do with me, it all just came out. I know that the path I'm on right now is to find ME, to get to know ME, and to learn to love ME. I've also learned that one of the best places for me to do all of these things happens to be on a trail in the mountains or as close to water as I can get. There are a lot of people in my life who's feelings have been hurt because I just take off and go alone... but what I can't seem to get them to understand is.... It's not personal. I can't find ME and clear the wordly chaos out of my brain when I have someone with me. I can't talk freely to the Big Guy upstairs when I have someone with me wanting my attention to listen to their issues. I know that may sound a little selfish, but for once in my life I AM the priority. When I disappear or I'm quiet for days.... it's not personal. I'm working on ME. I'm finding the peace inside myself that will show me where I do belong and the path that is meant for me.

We all have our own paths to follow, and this is mine. And for once finding ME doesn't scare me...