SEARCHING....

When I was eighteen years old I thought I knew it all and could conquer the world... HA! I left home, left the religion I was raised in, moved to another state, got pregnant, got married, and went on to make about 18 years of mistakes. The only good choices that I made during that time were having two amazing children who taught me what love was truly all about. I don't usually share all of my "dirty laundry" with people but if just one person learns from my mistakes or it makes them see that they're not alone then it's worth it. 

 I used to have this attraction to "bad boys".... the wild adventurous life style the portrayed just seemed to catch my attention. They were always so exciting in the beginning, but it never lasted long. A normal person would have learned after the first but me "the fixer" needed to learn the lesson over and over before it finally hit home that I wanted and deserved better. So after a few toxic relationships I decided I was done. Not done making bad decisions by all means but done with toxic men... well at least for a few years. I was finally ready to do it on my own, even though technically I had been basically on my own for a few years even though I was married. 

Being raised by a single parent had shown me that you can do anything you set your mind to. It might not always go as you think it should but one way or another making sure your kids have food on the table, a roof over their heads, and clothes on their backs was the priority. I was lucky to have a few people in my life to help and guide me along the way but it was never really easy. About the time my daughter was turning 15 things started to change. We had some friends/family come in to our lives who showed me some amazing things and made me want more out of life. I started to find my spiritual side again. Something that for the past 16 years I had ran as far away from as I could get. They helped me to see the bigger picture, to see that I could never do it all on my own. A very valuable lesson that I still hold with me, BUT it didn't stop me from making a bad choice and having to learn another lesson, one that I was lucky enough to make it out of with ONLY emotional scars and a battered and bruised self esteem. That was just a little over a year ago.... a lot has changed!

Right before school started this year my 17 year old decided he wanted to move back to the small town where he was raised and where I felt I had finally escaped from to give him a better life. At first I was heartbroken... I had moved our entire lives 200 miles away to give him the dream he had been working for since he was 8 years old. When I saw the look in his eyes as he told me he would rather never play baseball again and move back home I knew that this was another lesson I had to learn but also a good lesson for him to learn. It was then that I really started searching.... I of course couldn't just up and move back so I had to let go and let him go without me until I could make the change. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life! I wasn't expecting to be alone yet?? I still had 2 more years of school with him to figure out what I was going to do with my life! He's my baby!! I was definitely NOT ready! I was finally getting things right... Why was this happening?

As hard as it's been to adjust to being alone when I've been a mom for 22 years... it has also been good for me. At first I was scared, sad, and I didn't know if I would make it... and then I started searching. I was finally ready to find myself! To find my place in this crazy world, and to find the path that I was meant to be on but for so many years had run away from. To accept myself for ME! To forgive myself for all of the mistakes and bad decisions I had made along the way. And to know that I am never really alone in this big crazy world and no matter what there is always one person bigger than all of the rest that had my back. 

So with the people who are closest to me for support (and sometimes just to keep me sane)  I will continue forward searching for the better me.