MY Faith, MY Life, and MY Choices

MY Faith, MY Life, and MY Choices

This post is going to be pretty controversial in the sense that I am sure I will have quite a few friends and family who are appalled, disappointed, worried, and some that will even walk away from me BUT this is MY life, MY faith, and MY choice so here goes....

I was raised in the LDS religion growing up. I didn't give it a chance and ran fast and hard the minute I turned 18 and my mom couldn't make me go anymore. I stayed completely away from any sort of GOD talk and religion for close to 17 years. I pushed people away who tried to "preach" to me or who told me I just needed to find GOD. In fact I was not very nice to them and even cut off relationships with family and friends just so I didn't have to hear it.

When my daughter was in high school she went to work for a family that not only took great care of her but would eventually make a huge difference in our little family. The more time I spent with them the more I learned about God and opened my heart and soul back up to him. I learned things that would change my life forever. I built a very strong faith in God during that time, one that has never faltered even in the roughest parts of my life since then. I started taking Catechism classes with my daughter and some friends because I knew that I wanted to be a part of something bigger and to me at the time this was where I needed to be and where I felt at home. I was baptized Catholic and even went on to teach a Sunday school class with a friend who helped teach me so many amazing things.

I know all of this seems weird to so many of you who have known me for so many years but I think you'll find that there are many things about this journey that you didn't know.

I faithfully attended mass and loved the feeling that worshipping God brought to my life. I still struggled during this time with worldly things and I knew deep in my soul that there was more for means I needed to continue to push forward.

A few years later my son and I moved to SLC to not only give him better opportunities but also a chance for me to start over and get away from all of the small town drama that kept pulling me down. I put my faith in God and was amazed at how everything just seemed to fall in to place for us. I fell in to a great job. Found a condo through a friends mom. The landlords son happened to be the principal of the high school I wanted my son to attend and play ball for... And we were able to permit him in even though we lived outside the boundaries. I knew I was on the right path. And only because I had turned this over to God and asked him to lead the way.

My struggles didn't stop because we moved and in fact I went through one of the biggest challenges I have ever had and thankfully through lots of prayer and faith in God that he wouldn't let this take me down I made it through. It's been a rough couple of years but I have never lost my faith in God and have come to realize that when I'm struggling it's because I'm not allowing him to lead me down the path he has set for me but trying to make decisions on my own and/ or trying to speed up the process. As an independent woman who's never relied or been able to rely on many... Giving up and letting go so that he can lead me has been so very hard, but so amazing when I allow it to happen.

Very few people know but for the last 6 months I have felt like I'm lost. I have known that there is something bigger and better out there for me. Something that would bring great happiness and joy to my life. Something that would help me to follow the right path and be able to learn, teach, and find all the knowledge that my heart desires. That I seem to have been craving.

I'm at a point in my life where very soon it will be just me... My sweet beautiful daughter is 22. She is building a wonderful life with her amazing boyfriend and hopefully one day a family. (Fingers and toes crossed!!!) My handsome, big hearted, extremely talented son is 17. He decided he hated the city life and moved back to his hometown which broke my heart but he is doing wonderful. And hopefully I will be there with the both of them again very soon. The point I'm trying to make is at 41 years old I am almost an empty nester... A single empty nester. Which scares the hell out of me!!

During this time I have prayed for guidance. Prayed for God to please help me to know the path that he wants me to take. The path that will lead me to happiness and to where he wants me to be. Over and over again that path seems to be back with my children in the small town that a few years ago almost swallowed me whole. I just seem to keep getting pulled back in that direction. I have tried to once again make my own decisions and every time I say I'm staying here or I can't go back there my life is fine right now. I get shown something completely different. But that's not the only lesson I'm learning though all of this either so let's get back to where I started... Religion.

I have never been one to judge anyone for their beliefs or what religion they have chose to have in their lives. I will admit that until very recently I would make the conscious decision to not date someone of a certain religion because at that time I knew their beliefs and lifestyle were not compatible with mine. I was given a lot of grief over it because I would not give them a chance but my thinking was "I don't want to lead you on or get attached to you because our lives are not compatible so I just won't date you and let you get close at all." It worked for me at the time and I wasn't hurting them.

About 2 months ago things started to change in my life yet again. Some of my friends started talking to me about the LDS religion. I started to hang out with a man that was LDS. A friend of mine who I've ALWAYS been able to talk about anything and everything with was marrying a man who was LDS. She was someone who had always helped me to search and read. I didn't know it at the time but she was my "Jonathan". Different people who I hadn't heard from in a long time started to show back up and talk to me about the religion. And it sparked my interest. I started to try and learn more but on my own. I wasn't ready for anyone to know. I knew there would be judgement and people who would try to pull me back from "the dark side" but I was not prepared for the extent of it.

Up until now there are only a handful of people who know my feelings and the extent of the searching and investigating I have been doing. And here is where I'm sure the controversy will begin...

In October I was out working in my yard and playing with my dog. The missionaries walked up and started a conversation with me. Before this day I would have nicely but firmly told them I was Catholic and was not interested in learning any more about their church. But that's not what happened on that day... I talked with them and I invited them to come back to my home.

I confided in only a few people I held close to me because I knew there would be no judgement from them and I needed that security to take the next steps in my journey.

The first night the missionaries came to my home I was SO nervous!! What was I doing?? Why did I think that this was the place for me?? ME... The woman who's been divorced, baptized a different religion, tattooed, drank coffee, and had a not so pretty past many sins??? And then I remembered God... And he was why. He had led me to this place and I knew he would lead me through it to where I needed to be. And I felt such an amazing spirit when these round men walked in to my home and started to talk about the gospel. I was in shock! Everything that they were saying to me was what I needed to hear just at that time. They asked me why I was investigating the LDS church and I couldn't believe what came out of my mouth. I went on for a good 5 minutes about my beliefs. My faith in God. The way I had seen prayer work in my life. And how just that night I had an amazing conversation with my brother on prayer and faith. What they said to me next I will never forget. One Elder whom I have come to adore said "I can feel your spirit and testimony of God and that's not something we usually feel on a first visit." The other one said "You already have such a strong testimony. I can feel how special you are to the people in your life and to God."

The next morning when I was struggling with why this church??? Yes I'm that hard headed! I sent a text off to four important people in my life that I respected and cared for. All were members and all had strong testimonies. I needed to know why they believed. There was on text back that hit me hard and actually brought tears to my eyes because it was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. It wasn't preaching to me (which I still struggle with) but it was in simple words and very straight forward, and I hope he doesn't kill me for posting.. "What I feel is most important is to learn about it, pray about it, and follow what you FEEL. Not what you think or what others say.  I've seen those who get baptized for family or because they THINK it's right.   Then there are those who go off of what they FEEL and those are the ones who benefit the most.  The Holy Ghost is there to testify of truth and most of the time he does that through feelings.  I'm not a scholar or a gospel guru.   I can't intellectually explain why I know the gospel is true, I just had it witnessed to me through how I feel that this is christs church.  I know a lot of people look down on the church for people saying that but it comes down to priesthood line of authority that makes this church different from others.  Don't let other people affect how you feel.  There are judgmental pricks in any religion.  If we were perfect we wouldn't need the gospel, the gospel is here because no one is perfect.   You are a daughter of a Heavenly Father and you are absolutely good enough!!!   Don't let anyone tell you any different. You know I'm ALWAYS here for you any time you need to talk or have questions.  Put your stubbornness into learning About the church, and getting the answers you are looking for and you'll be fine.  I know how stubborn you are.   😉"

And so my journey has continued. Yes I have the missionaries still visiting me. Yes I have been attending church. YES I actually enjoy it and feel completely comfortable. Yes I am continuing to learn, research, read, and ask millions of questions. And YES I have had so many people and things in life come at my hard since I started all of this and it's not knocking me down. I have been told things that the church supposedly believes. I have been told that I'm joining a cult and that some people can't be apart of my life because of that. I have been ridiculed. I have been told I'm only doing this because some guy I fell for belongs to this church. Sorry all of them are wrong. And I'm pretty sure the people who truly know me know I would never make this huge change in my life for a man. I'm a hell of a lot stronger and hard headed than that. BUT here's what you don't know... I have been blessed! I have been blessed with clarity, calmness, strength, and love from my Heavenly Father and the people who support me. And that to me is what makes me excited to continue this journey!

I know this post was very long and probably a great surprise to most. So I'll end it now with this... Don't let people in your life discourage you from becoming who you are meant to be. Pray for the guidance and the clarity to make the decision on your own. And follow the path that God has set out for you.